Here we are 6 and a half months post-op

Its interesting .. for some reason I have not wanted to blog. It was a physical reaction. Every time I thought I should blog I felt sick to my stomach. I am not sure why. Lack of motivation? Summer time blues? Not enough time? Who knows.

I finally got back on because my boyfriend (that's right I have one now) is taking a class that requires him to blog. Since he needed help getting signed on I thought I would come over here and take a look at mine.

Here is my update.

I am down 88.5 lbs!!! I feel great. I am in the mid-teens.
I am down a total of almost 80 inches.

I went to a dance the other day and some one asked me how I was doing (they had not seen me in a long time) and I replied.. it feels great being able to come to a dance and not be the fattest person there. She just laughed and said I am sure it is. You have no idea!

I still have body image dysforia .. this is where you do not see your body for what it is. I still see myself as being FAT FAT FAT .. which I am .. but I only need to lose 2 points of my BMI to be below the "morbidly obese" category.

For the first time since they made body fat monitors that you hold in your hand or stand on etc, I am NOT 50%. If anyone very overweight has tried them you know that the max number on it is 50%. I have never seen anything other than 50% as a reading on there. Two weeks ago, I got on my BMI scale and weighed. I wrote down all the numbers, weight, body fat percentage, muscle percentage, water percentage, BMI, and calorie count to maintain the current weight. It was not until I got back to my computer that and was putting the information into the spreadsheet that I realized that it say 48.4% body fat!!!! I had to stand up and do the hokie pokie dance just a little. What a freaking great feeling that was!

So now that I am down in the teens, I have two races going on. One to my 100 lb mark and the next to be under 200. These two marks are less than 6 lbs from each other .. the 100 lb mark will put me at 205.8. Really I just want to skip that and be 198! It will be here.. this I have faith in.

Next up in my life is my new guy. On New Year's day I made a resolution to stay single for the year while I and working on myself. This resolution actually lasted longer than most of my resolutions. I stayed single for over 7 months. He is very encouraging and supportive. He even made it through my "cleansing days"! Well he did ask me to eat something :) I think he begged me to eat something!

I finally went and bought new underwear. Wow what a difference .. I had to buy some 3 sizes smaller .. haha .. the old ones were hard to give up but I needed to move on.

It feels great being able to fit in booths, fit on rides, go places that before I would never have accomplished.

I went to the county fair and went on three rides. I would never ever have tried those rides before.

Last night we were at the park and someone asked if I had played "pickle ball" I said.. um .. I just lost 88.5 lbs and before that I have never played any sports/games so all of these games are new to me. Even volleyball. I am enjoying learning these games and playing with my man.

Here are some updated photos:

Happy to be down 50+ pounds or am I?

I want to lose weight faster, but I am not doing what it takes to make it go faster. This is why I had the surgery done. If I had not had it done, I would totally be gaining weight right now. I went in to a "give up" mode. I haven't given up, because seriously .. I can't. I am so thankful for that! I am also very glad I am writing this blog. It is nice to see that only two posts ago I was struggling with getting down to the 250's now I am struggling with getting down to the 240's. It shows progress. Progress I forget. I forget because of these little struggles.

Some days I feel good about my weight loss. Some days.. especially when I see pictures of myself, I feel like I have so much more to lose. I see other people's weight loss as being so much greater than mine. As of today I am down 53 pounds. I didn't even weigh myself yesterday because I was so unhappy with the scale. I would struggle down a couple of pounds then the next day get on the scale to see an entire week's worth of weight loss gone. That sucks!!! I keep reminding myself .. its water weight .. its water weight. I even talk to my scale. Ok.. be nice to me today. What??? I told you to be nice today.. what's wrong with you .. damn scale!!

Another mind game that plagues me is that it seems that whatever slight I receive I automatically perceive it as being related to my weight. For instance, I was at a party and got interrupted during my introduction, however crazy it sounds, I immediately thought, he wouldn't have done that if I was skinny. At this same party, there was a member of the band who I met a long ass time ago, but he didn't seem interested in dating. He was there with his girlfriend who was just "overweight". (We are all relegated to my, normal weight, over weight, obese and morbidly obese now!) I immediately thought, it was my weight that kept him from asking me out. Truth is I always feel that way if someone is not interested in dating me. Another example was at two concerts I went to. Even though I was the first person to get a kiss from Russell of Air Supply, I felt slighted later when we were all down front by the stage. I knew for positive that it was because of my weight. I was watching another band play at a local bar and the guitarist came out to the crowd, he came up close to all the skinny girls, but he kept his distance from me. Of course, I assume this is because I was the fattest person there. Are all of these truths? Its possible. It is also possible, I just perceive them as slights and would have happened even if I was skinny. Will I have these same weird thought patterns when I am skinny? Will I think.. they only like me because I am skinny.. If I was fat they would not pay any attention to me. Who knows. If I wasn't such a self-analyzer I wouldn't have anything to write about on this blog. :)

Taking pictures

One thing I have noticed is I am taking more full body pictures. I haven't purposely done that for quite some time and a good reason why I was in such denial. So if I keep in mind that comparing what I looked like just three months ago to what I look like now it is a difference.

Speaking of that .. here is a before and after 50 pounds picture. Thanks to Andi for taking the before picture as I am not sure I can find a full body of just me photo.

Loose skin ... will I have it?

I was at the rec center swimming, when I notice a lady come to the pool. I was doing exactly what I hope people do not do to me while I am walking around in my swimsuit. I was judging her. It was not a mean judgement. I wanted to talk to her. She obviously had lost a lot of weight. She was wearing a bathing suit that showed off a LOT of saggy skin. Arms, legs, back and stomach. She was not fat at all. I worry I am going to look like that. If I do, will it prevent me from wearing a bathing suit? I wanted to know how much she started out at. How fast she lost her weight. Does she regret it? I think if I would have been at the edge of the pool at the same time she was I would have broached the subject. The problem is .. would she be offended?

For my birthday, which is on May 4th this coming Wednesday, I received 10 LipLaser sessions from my mom. She has had this done. My research into this shows that it is not for obese people, but since I am losing the weight it will be a nice booster. A main reason I want to get this is it does skin tightening. Will this make a difference? I figure if it does, I will have it done periodically throughout my weight loss so that at the end, hopefully the saggy skin won't be as big of a problem.

Priceless! My daughter who weighs 125 pounds, was complaining about the back of her legs and the bumps she sees there. She sees me putting on my shorts and she says, "Oh now I know where I get those lumps in my legs from!" Brat!!

Its all in the mind!

The other day both of my boys needed to use the cars, so I was left with driving one of the scooters. It is humorous because what I saw in my minds eye was, I am sure, not what other people were seeing.

I saw myself as one of those bitchin' Harley chicks. Not the hard core dikes. (No offense meant, but being from San Francisco, its what they would have called themselves.) I am thinking of the sexy playboy bunny looking Harley chick. I felt so good, I took a picture of myself. Reality wasn't anything near my mind's eye, but I was still feeling good. Here I am:

Feeling sexy?

I found that it really does make a difference the clothes that you wear. I found that wearing clothes that fit me and were cute made me feel a lot more sexier. In my last post, I commented on not feeling sexy like I did last time I weighed 250. I went to a party the other night and wore my new jeans and a cute top I had from before and felt a lot better about myself. The other day I went to a party and was able to wear my size 22 jeans. They were still a little tight, but I was able to wear them and still be fairly comfortable in them. There was a little buzz kill when I had someone take a full body pic of me and then I looked at it. Ug .. I just have to keep reminding myself that at least its not me looking at a pic of me being 300 pounds!!

Here is the pic they took...

And the pic I took to make myself feel better!

Swimming

This last week has been crazy with finals and papers due etc. so I did not make the time to go swimming. I almost put down that I couldn't but the truth is I didn't. I am sure I could have made the time if I really wanted to. But my point in writing this, is I went swimming and I actually saw someone else who swims in the lap pool with a snorkel! The poor guy probably thought I was crazy. I told him how glad I was that FINALLY someone else came to the pool to swim laps that doesn't know how or who can't swim like the professionals. I told him I was going to write about him in my blog. I didn't ask his name as he really didn't seem like he wanted to chit chat. (Is it because I'm fat?)

I am thinking of writing up my swimming regimen. It seems to work really well for me. I can feel my muscles through the fat now!!

I do 20 minutes of swimming with fins and weights. Each lap I use the weights differently. Going one way I swim on front holding the weights out in front or on side hands up or down with the weights barely beneath the water. Coming back I swim on my back holding the weights out at side or close to side hands up or down. I really feel the muscles working on all parts this way. I take a break for a few mins while I am holding the weights together directly below my chin. I use my chin to push the weights below the water. Great neck/chin workout. I then use the snorkel and swim for 20 minutes. After that I use the weights with the snorkel which gives more of a water aerobics while swimming. Lap going one way I do a front to back motion with the weights like I was running with the weights. One arm forward while the other is going back. On the way back I do arms out at side then down underneath me to touch sort of like a butterfly motion. All the while my legs are getting a work out with the fins. Those fins make a HUGE difference and I would definitely recommend them. Maybe someday when this all works out, I will make a video :)

Recommending

I am sure I sound like a preacher to those I talk to who are considering weight loss surgery. It has already made such a difference in my life. I complain about struggles, but in truth, I would have these struggles in my life no matter what, at least now I get to have them while I am losing weight.

If you have any questions please feel free to email me at msdms at y mail dot com. That really is ymail not yahoo.

This will be a great week!! I am positive I will reach my weight goal. Only 2.9 pounds to go until I am in the 240's. My birthday is on Wednesday!!! Support Group is Thursday evening. I am having lunch with some long lost friends. And last but not least... this semester will be over!!

I am grateful I was able to have the Sleeve Gastrectomy. It has made a huge difference in my life!!

Scale Addict and Measurements

Hello, my name is Dwan and I am a scale addict!! I shake my head as I write this, but I know it is true. I keep telling myself that I need to weigh only once a week. But every single morning I wake up, I can not help myself. I can't even sleep in anymore because as soon as I wake up I tell myself I need to get up and weigh myself. I lay there an think.. no you are not going to weigh yourself .. go back to sleep, but the idea of seeing how much if anything I have lost is just too irresistible.

Of course when I am hitting a benchmark its worse. I had to write this blog today because I think I am insane. I have been very close to being in the 250's. My scale for the last few days has read:

Monday: 262.3
Tuesday: 262.5
Wednesday: 261.3
Thursday: 261.8
Friday: 261.4
Saturday: 260.3

Up until now I have been taking only a half of my water pill. I decide that now I am going to take a full water pill, just so I can make sure I meet this benchmark. I mean I have less than half a pound to make it. So I want to ensure I make it because I know my scale loves to play games with me.

This morning is Sunday. Sleep in day. I am exhausted. What time do I wake up?? 7 A.M.!! For those of you that know me .. this is just unreal. Can I go back to sleep?? Of course not!! Because what do I have to do?? Weigh myself .. because what if??

I get up and do the morning routine, come on you know what it is. Get up .. potty... did I potty enough?? Lets sit here just a minute more to make sure. Then strip. You know those panties and t-shirt must weigh a pound or two. I even got my legs and armpits waxed yesterday so I don't have to worry about leg hair weighing me down. I pull the scale out from the wall to the exact point I do every day. I have little lines in my linoleum so I know exactly where my scale needs to be. I toe it into position. I push my toe on it to get it to light up. I wait for the little 0.0 to show up and then I step on it. I position my toes on the scale so they are exactly lined up with the outside of the reader. And I wait. It goes through its little slot machine roll. And bam.. 260.1. Are you kidding me??? I start talking to my scale. Come on.. be nice to me. You do not want me to be disappointed do you?? Stupid scale!

So I decide that its obviously too early to weigh myself. I go back to sleep right after I take another full water pill. I decide that I am going to weigh myself after I get up at a decent hour. I sleep until 10:30. I get up and go through my routine again. I coach my scale to give me some good news. Slot machine roll ..... bam 260.0. Now my scale goes by .1 pounds so all it has to do is go down by .1 and I am in the 250's. Come on scale.. whats wrong with you! I get off the scale. I step back on placing my feet to the outermost area of the scale. Slot machine rollllll ... bam 260.0 Damn scale! I do this process a couple more times. Then I lose it and I weigh myself while I'm holding onto the towel rack. Nice!!! I'm 232!! Some day!! Then I take one more measurement and its still 260.0.

I realize that I am now officially crazy. I laugh at my antics. What does it matter if I am in the 250's today or tomorrow?? I know I am going to lose it. I post my official weight today in my spreadsheet as 260.0. I am now down 45.8 pounds and have exactly 10 pounds to lose to my first big weight loss goal. It is three and a half weeks until my birthday so I am going to be ahead of the game!

Measurements

Good news!!! I am now no longer as fat around as I am tall. I have lost about 6 inches in my hips which is the biggest measurement I have. Fortunately, the bariatrics department gives you a measuring tape that is 72 inches long instead of the regular measuring tape that is only 60 inches long. My beginning hips measurements was 64.25 they are now 58.5 inches. Yes that is still big .. but at least I am officially taller than that :) I lost 6.25 inches in my waist. 3 inches each in chest, ribs, and each thigh. My total inches lost is 37.75.

Miscellaneous

I feel a lot better. I swam laps with my dumbbells three times last week.

One of the things I want to work on is my eating. I am eating a ton less, but I am still not eating healthy. I know that unless I fix this, I will not be able to maintain my weight once I lose it.

I had a great time at the support group this week. There was a vibrant speaker there and it was fun to chat with my new friends.

A problem I am having is constipation. Yea .. not a topic one likes to talk about, but hell.. I have talked about everything else .. so why not! I know that my bowels are not getting hydrated enough, therefore they are constipated. I have been taking my chewable fiber pills, but they are not helping. I have very small irregular bowel movements. I ran across someone who does Colon Hydrotherapy and I think I am going to consult with them. I used to think that was weird, but right now the thought of hydrating my colon sounds very nice and comforting. I will keep you updated on that.

Best wishes, love, peace and happiness!!

I am very grateful I was able to have the sleeve gastrectomy. It was worth every single penny!!

Water water water .. UG!!

Water pill or no water pill. Am I the only one that struggles with this? I don't want to keep using this as a crutch, but it seems like I do over and over again. This time I lasted an entire week before caving and taking one.

It all started out with reaching that small goal of being in the 260's. It happened for a day. One day. Then I went camping. I was down 37.7 lbs the day I went camping.

We went to Zions National Park with our trailer in tow. Zions is well known for their fantastic hiking trails. We got there fairly early. Ok early for me which was before dark. George and Carlos took off on the scooter and Roberto and I decided to take a drive through the park. We stopped at one of the shortest hikes there. Its called Weeping Rock. This trail is only a quarter of a mile long, but very steep. I wanted to tackle this hike now that I was down some weight as the last time I went I stopped half way up it and used the excuse there was too much ice and I would fall. Roberto being the sweet guy he is offered to pull me along. About half way up I had to stop to let my heart rate slow down and catch some breath. I told Roberto to go ahead and wait for me at the top. After one more stop and every one passing me I made it to the waterfall. My throat was burning and my nose was running and I thought I was going to pass out, but I made it!! After taking about 5 minutes to get my heart from pounding out of my body, I got to look around at the fall. It was very pretty. I thought for sure I must have lost 10 lbs with that hike.

Here is the proof!



The next day, the cutest grandbaby in the world showed up and I went over to the river beach and played with him feeling really good that I was moving around instead of just being lazy and staying at the camp. I won't mention that my three boys were off hiking/climbing the Watchman mountain which took them about 3 hours. Someday I will go with them!!

As usual, I ate some of the food, but not much. The second day my mom came and took us to dinner, I didn't order anything just took a couple of bites from her plate. Didn't even eat the huge dessert she ordered. I was planning on hitting the 40 pound mark when I got back.

Well wouldn't you know that I struggle with every single little benchmark so why should this one be any different? I got home and weighed the next day and after not weighing for three days I had gained a pound. WHAT?!?! Grrrr!!! I started a detox program the night before and thought maybe it was my body getting used to that. I thought I was going to wait it out. I know its impossible that I actually gained fat, so it had to be water weight. For whatever reason my body was holding the water. The next day I gained a half pound, then the next day was a pound and the next day was another pound. You can only imagine my dismay!! WTF!!! For me to actually gain a pound I would have to eat about 5,000 calories. That is enough over what it takes to maintain the body weight I have right now to actually gain a pound of fat. I would put my calorie intake between 1,000 to 1,500 a day. I should be losing weight. So this leads me to believing this is water weight. I wake up and my face is all puffy and I just know its going to be a bad day on the scale.

So why is my body struggling so bad with water weight? I have mentioned this in past posts. I went to see my surgeon yesterday and he didn't have an answer for me. So I will have to go on my theory alone. It must be the types of food I am eating along with getting frustrated over not losing weight or gaining weight that I know is water so taking my water pill, but not liking the water pill so only taking it a couple of times so my body is reacting to that by holding more water. My water pill I am talking about is a prescription I received while seeing the Fat Doctor. Thats what I called her she was a physician specializing in bariatric diets. Its called Maxzide with 75mg of Triamterene and 50mg of HCTZ. The HCTZ is the diuretic or what helps your body release water. I used to take this every day. When I tried to get off of it I was miserable. My body swelled up so bad it hurt. It took me quite a while before I could stop taking it completely. This is why I do not want to get into the habit of taking it again. Another big reason I don't want to take it is because my friend who is also taking the same for high blood pressure ended up in the hospital when they doubled his HCTZ to 25mg. Holy cow! I was taking twice that for about six months.

Needless to say when the scale went up to 273.3 today I took the damn pill. I will deal with the consequences later!

On a good note:

The docs official weight loss for me is 34.4 pounds. This is not where I wanted it to be, but dang its still good. I got the clearance to only go back every three months. My blood pressure was 124 over 80. I am happy with that. The doc assured me the need to burp every time I eat will pass.

You might recall that I made a commitment to purchase the family annual pass to the rec center. I kept that commitment. I purchased it about a week and a half ago and used it for the first time tonight. I had a blast!! And I went all by myself. I called all of my kids (hello.. this is the reason I bought the FAMILY pass!) to see if anyone would go with me. Every single one of them were busy. Hmmmm .. I am thinking they just knew that I was going to show up like the nerd who goes swimming, snorkle, face mask, and fins with the little blow up sea monster that fits around your waist. Well I had everything but the floaty. I don't need one, I float very well all by myself.

So I show up to the pool with all my equipment and the lap lanes are full. I am not sure why I thought I would go unnoticed, but I did. As I am walking to the lap lanes and I see all the swimmers who know how to swim making great laps, I think "maybe I will just head to the kiddie pool and walk around". That did not happen.. well not yet anyways. A very cool rec center worker asked me if I wanted him to find me a lane. I said .. um no I think I will just head over to the kiddie pool. He said .. no.. let me find you a lane. These guys will share with you. Um.. well... ok.. I say thinking that this was crazy and wanted to just crawl in my bag of stuff. He found me a lane alright .. sharing with mister "I have been swimming for 20 years" in a speedo and goggles. Are you kidding me?? Isn't there any little old ladies or a kid who also doesn't know how to swim?? Oh well... what can I do but jump in. We agreed (me and my lane partner) that I would stay on one side and he would stay on the other. Thank God I took my equipment out of the packaging BEFORE I got there at least I didn't have to look like a dork who just bought the stuff. I pretended like I knew what I was doing. I was practicing for my diving trip to Hawaii of course!! I put my mask on then attach the snorkle. I get in the pool and then put the fins on. Trying my hardest to look like I knew what I was doing .. all along knowing I was looking like a complete dork. I put my head in the water and start to go .. two feet later I am up sputtering and trying to pull my mask off because it is full of water. Ug! I can't reach the ground because in those two feet it has dropped to at least 6 feet. I am surprised the life guard didn't jump in! Fortunately, my mask is fogged up as well so I can't see if anyone is laughing their asses off at me. I dump the water out of the mask and try again.. it takes me several laps before I decide to try the snorkle with just the goggles (you know the ones that just cover your eyes). I only go a few feet before knowing for sure this is not a good idea. I can not breath underwater without getting water up my nose. So I settle back in using the face mask with the snorkle. I deal with the water and actually end up doing laps for about an hour. I didn't count how many laps I did, I just know for every one I did my lane partner did two. Oh well .. who cares. I was happy I was exercising and enjoying it. I later went into the kiddie pool and walked the length using the water dumbbells the center provides. It was very cool and I stayed there in the kiddie pool for another half hour and felt great!

I have made a mental shopping list. I want to get a swim cap as my hair kept getting caught in my mask. I want to get a nose plug so I can swim with the goggles and the snorkle. I want to get a bathing suit. Swimming in shorts is ok but they do not dry like a suit would which means different short each time I go swimming. I have learned that I need to use the kiddie pool first to do my laps with the dumbbells because it closes 2 hours before the lap pool does.

So the question will be.. will I go shopping tomorrow or swimming.

I am so grateful I had the Sleeve Gastrectomy. Even through all of the struggles I am over 30 pounds less than I was at the beginning of the year!!

Ok get ready for a laugh.. here are the pics!

Here I am in my gear!



Well I deleted the fins picture. I think it was showing off the "girls" more than the fins and that was not my purpose. :) Sorry guys!!

Here are the swimmers in the next lane which were swimming like the pros

Goal weight - Is it realistic?

My goal weight is 135 lbs. I am 5 feet and 3/4 inches. This weight may be at the top end of the charts for my height, but I seriously have big bones that are very dense. Any time before this when I have dieted, my goal weight was 150 lbs. This seemed more realistic to me for some reason. I guess thinking that over the years my muscles got heavier, and my bones got heavier. I am also thinking about the extra skin I will undoubtedly have. Maybe I will get down to 150 and need 15 lbs of extra skin removed. I think what I will do is leave my goal at 135 but as I get down towards the 150 mark, I will start going by body fat percentage, although I am not sure that those things are any more accurate than just using the charts.

As of today, I am down 35.6 lbs. This leaves me at needing to lose 135 lbs to be 135 lbs. The exciting thing is my first short term weight goal of being 250 by my birthday will probably be accomplished a month ahead of schedule. This is very very exciting. This means that I can weigh less than I have in the last 10-15 years by my birthday.

The interesting thing about being so heavy is that its still hard for me to see the 35.6 lbs gone. I mean I sort of see it in the mirror. But most people would not come up to me and say "Did you lose weight?" Not that they get the chance. I am constantly boasting about my weight loss. I am thinking about making a road trip up to San Francisco with my kids this summer. My first high school (I went to four) is having a 40th anniversary celebration. I thought it would be fun to go to, as well as see my (ex) but in my heart still my in-laws. Recently, I started thinking .. even though losing 60 or 70 lbs, I will still be 100 lbs more than they remember me in high school .. and still around the same weight I was when I last saw most of my in-laws. They couldn't appreciate the amount I lost. I mean I am sure they would congratulate me, but it's not like they saw me at 300 then saw me at 230. My in-laws probably saw me at 230 but high school?? They saw me at 125.

This is a picture of a high school friend and I. Of course I am the dark haired one. :)



This is another picture of when I was in high school. No laughing at the dress!



So you can see my point. Thats what they saw me as. So even going at 230-240 I will still have gained 100 lbs since they saw me. I will say that one of the things that did cross my mind is going just so they could see me now so that if I were go to the next one they could then appreciate what I have accomplished. Sometimes I really wonder about my sanity!

I think that making short term goals is very helpful. I started out making a column in my spreadsheet of pounds to go until my goal weight. This was a little overwhelming. It started at 170 lbs. Its now 135 lbs. I added a column that gave me my pounds to lose until my first goal of 250. It started at 55.8 lbs. Now it is 20.2. This seems more reasonable to me and is not as overwhelming. For some reason it helps me to feel more accomplished. Its the same weight loss, but seeing the 20.2 just makes it seem like it is much more accomplishable. (I know .. accomplishable is not a word.. but it is appropriate.)

Tomorrow I plan to be in the 260's. I know I have been there in 2006, but I just do not remember it. This is very exciting!! I am so grateful for getting the sleeve gastrectomy. It has helped me reach goals I never thought I was going to make. I am very grateful that I was able to do it now when I can enjoy life. I feel livelier. I am getting my membership to the gym/community center today.

I feel successful!

I have been waiting to hit the 30 lb mark....

Its been a while since I last blogged. I have been waiting to hit the 30 pound mark, which is not coming. My weight loss over this last week has been small and the last few days I have gained. I know this is water weight. It is weird after so many years of dieting I do know my body's reactions. If I eat certain foods or eat at certain times I can guarantee weight gain. For example, I know if I eat Chinese food, I will undoubtedly weigh more the next day. Even when I am eating such small portions. It is not because I am eating more than my 2,356 calories which is what it takes to maintain my current weight, but because of the ingredients. It causes me to hold water. I know if I eat late at night and have acid reflux while I am sleeping, my body reacts by holding water.

The latter actually occurred last night. I was doing so good yesterday, as I have not been losing and wanted to hit that 30 pound mark, but when I got home after work, around 9 p.m., I knew there was a piece of cheesecake in the fridge calling my name. I did the right thing and took only a small piece. (Ok maybe the right thing would have been not to take it at all.) I have learned this makes it easier not to overeat. When I say small, I mean very small. It wasn't even a 2 inch square piece. I took a bite or two of it, then got involved with a conference call. The call was semi-stressful, dealing with a sick relative and my ex-husband at the same time. After the call, it was probably around midnight, I almost unconsciously ate the rest of the cheesecake. This was bad. Acid reflux while you are sleeping is very bad. Waking up in the middle of the night coughing acid because you inhaled it while sleeping is miserable. Prior to the surgery if I had heartburn/acid reflux I would take a quarter teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water. Now I am afraid it will hurt too much because it causes a lot of gas in the stomach. I need to get some Tums or something that will help me out if this ever occurs again. I knew as soon as I woke up with the acid reflux that the scale was not going to be happy with me in the morning. (Interesting how this is the second thing I think about, after the pain.) Sure enough, when I woke up and walked towards the mirror I knew. My face was puffy. I still weighed myself so I can keep track, but I gained almost a half of a pound.

I figured this was actually good news. One, I knew I was going to gain water weight. Two, usually its at least a pound. Three, this means that I actually lost weight, and it will show as soon as the water weight leaves me.

Now, I have told you before how water pills just mess with my system, and yes they make me feel good for the short term, but do not help out in the long term, but today I was desperate. I have been waiting to get to the 30 pound mark for several days now. So I took a half of a pill. This would be equivalent to 25 mg of HCTZ.

I am so grateful to have the sleeve gastrectomy. Even with this slight weight gain, I still do not feel failure. I would like the weight to come off faster, but I know for a fact it will happen. Taking away the sense of failure, even with the weight gain, feels tremendous. To some 28 pounds is alot, to me its seems little compared to what I need to lose. I will tell you this, it is great to look at my spreadsheet and see the pounds to goal shrink. From 170 to 142. I almost like looking at this more than the pounds lost. My first short term goal of being 250 by my birthday, started out at 55.8 and is now 27.4. This is exciting. I am half way there.

Measurements

I took my measurements on January 26, 2011. This is the day I started the liquid protein diet. I measure: neck, left wrist, right wrist, left upper arm, right upper arm, under arms above chest, chest, ribs, waist, hips, left thigh, right thigh, left calf, right calf, left ankle, right ankle. I measured myself on March 2, 2011 and have lost 20.25 inches total. This is good news! The biggest losers were the waist at 3.5 inches and the hips at 3.25 inches. This is why those black jeans fit. The guys will be happy to know that the chest and ribs went down exactly the same 1.5 inches. This means the cup size stays the same, just the band size goes down.

I fully expect to hit that 30 pound mark tomorrow. I am excited.

Support Group

I attended the New Beginnings support group last Thursday. It was fantastic. Trevor Smith, who is an Exercise Physiologist was the speaker. He was great.. and good looking! I have never heard of an Exercise Physiologist before. He explained that it is someone who knows the workings of your body and how it relates to exercise. He also reaffirmed what I have thought all along but what goes against what all those little skinny kids who are called personal trainers at the gyms promote, the best way to lose fat is to exercise with weights.

I remember going to the Gold's Gym and hiring a personal trainer. She gave me this routine that was completely ridiculous. I told her that curling 2 lb weights was not how I was going to lose weight. She insisted that I wanted to tone not build muscle. I explained to her that yes I do want to build muscle as muscle burns fat. Of course, she was the "expert". Well, I decided maybe I needed a guy trainer. Someone who was interested in weight training. Nope.. he said the same thing. I gave the same response. He insisted I needed to tone not build muscle. I told him, calf pressing 50 lbs is nothing to me.. I calf press 300 lbs every day.. duh! The best personal trainer I ever had was my friend Tony. He was a body builder. A serious body builder - Olympian size body builder. He worked my ass off and was great to look at. Unfortunately, I do not know whatever happened to Tony.

The ladies at the support group who have attended Trevor's bariatric exercise class said they really liked it and that Trevor really pushes them. I could see him like a Bob from the Biggest Loser. Pushy but nice. Unfortunately, Trevor's only openings right now is in his 7 a.m. class. For those of you that know me, that's just impossible. So, I have contacted the Washington Community Center, which has a gym and a great lap pool, as well as exercise classes and of course the fun pool with the lazy river. They are having a special going on now with no enrollment fees and the first month free, then $45 a month for the entire family up to 6 members. I will be joining them soon. Actually, I am going to make a commitment to join them this week. They are also sponsoring the local radio station's Biggest Loser contest. Their trainers have experience with working out with bariatric patients and helping them to lose weight. I will look into finding one that is right for me.

Back to the support group. It is so great to attend the meeting. It is so encouraging. I hope I can make as great an impact on others as they do on me. I hope those coming to the meetings who have not received the help we have get the encouragement they need to make the right decision for them. As far as I know, the group is not closed to those only seeking surgery. I would encourage anyone who is needing help with weight loss to attend. We get great information regarding exercise, weight loss, behavioral guidance and I am sure much more. It is on the first Thursday of each month at 7 p.m. at the Health and Performance building lower level.

I want to thank all of you who support me. I love your encouragement!

What a Difference 23 lbs make - before and after shot

My friend Lanora and I have gone to a couple of dances lately. Last night I did not dance as my tummy incision was hurting, but tonight I figured I could dance like a guy .. meaning just stand there and kind of move from foot to foot. I love dancing.

Last night I just wore my same old baggy stretchy jeans and a t-shirt. Tonight as I was getting ready, I thought "Why not try on the black jeans and see how far you have come." I really did not expect them to fit, but at least be a little closer to fitting.

This was my first short-term goal. To fit into these jeans. There is nothing special about the jeans.. they are still very big jeans, BUT they didn't fit me.

So I tried them on ..and imagine my surprise when I actually was able to button and zip them. Holy cow!!

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to have had the sleeve gastrectomy!!

I am posting the after picture first as it shows as the thumbnail when I post this link. And although it may not seem that I have any pride after posting all the embarrassing things I have posted, I still can't bring myself to let the before picture be the thumbnail picture :)

This picture was taken tonight. I pulled the shirt up a bit so you could see they are zipped and buttoned!! Hooray!!



This is the before picture taken February 4, 2011 where the pants had quite a ways to go before I could button or zip them.



It seems I'm also not having any mind games the last few days. I think its because the scale is moving. I am very pleased with how things are going. I appreciate the support and encouragement I receive. It really does mean a lot to me, so if you get a chance I would love for you to post comments.

More embarrassing stories of being fat .. TMI

I know there are a couple of people who read this. I post it on my Facebook page each time I make an entry. Some may think.. woah.. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I agree. BUT the purpose of this blog is for me to journal my process. Its difficult knowing that anyone in the world can see my most personal stories, but maybe someone will see it and relate. I have started other blogs about weight loss, but this is the first time I have committed to writing all my secrets about being fat hoping that it will keep me motivated along the way.

This morning I was sitting at the table (this set is actually my daughters). The table is a tall table with wooden bar stool height chairs. I am 5 foot even. I do not like bar stool height chairs. After eating breakfast which consisted of left over Olive Garden steak garganzola .. mmm .. my favorite dish there, I went to push the chair back to get down and I heard it creak. It immediately brought up a very embarrassing moment that happened about 8 or 9 years ago.

I was in Jamaica on a business trip. I have was having breakfast or lunch (I do not remember which meal it was) with two friends who I also happen to work with. Ken and Jay Kay. Its beautiful weather there in Jamaica so we were eating outside of the hotel's restaurant. Even though it was a pretty nice place, I guess because of the rain/storms they have the furniture outside consisted of plastic table and chairs. The type you can get from WalMart during the spring time for $50 for the whole set. (Maybe I am exaggerating the cheapness of it just a little.) We were seated. We were looking at the menu and all of the sudden the legs of my chair gave out. You would think we were in a slapstick comedy. All four legs went out in four directions. I landed on my ass. I started laughing out of embarrassment or just the funniness of it, I am not sure .. maybe both. We all sat there for a second a little stunned. Then Ken and Jay jumped up to help me up. It is of course very difficult when you are my size to get up from an awkward position as that. Its almost easier if no one helps you and you roll over onto your hands and knees, but how do you tell someone that? Well I finally get up and the waitress comes over with her quick fix. They double up the chairs. HAHAHA it still makes me laugh at how being so very fat needs these types of accommodations.

There is a story I feel sad about. It doesn't have any part that makes me smile or chuckle. I took my two oldest children to the park that was about three very long blocks from my house. They were about 2 and 3 at the time. My daughter was playing on the jungle gym and went to reach for the bar, but fell onto the hard packed red dirt. She hit the ground hard enough to give her a concussion. This was before cell phones. No one else was at the park. I had to carry her while holding my 2 year old son's hand. I remember getting about a block when I couldn't carry her anymore. I tried to have her walk, but she couldn't walk straight. Even holding her hand, she couldn't walk straight. I felt absolutely miserable. What could I do? I couldn't leave my son by himself. It took me forever to make those three blocks. I thought I was going to die. I am pretty sure I was balling by the time I made it through the door. Poor Manuel didn't know what was wrong. He thought I was in the one in need of medical attention. How horrible I remember feeling, but here that child is almost 20 years old with a son of her own and I am even more out of shape then I was then.

I was talking to my ex-husband last night. I told him that I was going to get the Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery done. He was very against it. Said it was too dangerous blah blah blah. It reminded me of how big a sabotager he was to my losing weight. When I met him I weighed 135 lbs. I wore a size 7 jeans. After moving in with him, unbeknownst to me I started gaining weight. Here it is 25 years later and it still makes me chuckle when I first found out I was gaining weight.

A few months after we were living together, Manuel wanted to go out dancing. I was excited as all I had been doing prior to this was staying home in sweats day and night. I got out my dancing duds out, and put them on. Well Manuel always did the laundry so I had every reason to blame him for it. My clothes had SHRUNK!! Boy was I mad. I couldn't believe he shrunk my favorite dancing outfit that consisted of a mini skirt and a half shirt. (Remember this was in the 80's.) After hearing me complain to him about shrinking my outfit for about 20 minutes, he turned to me and said, "Um Dwan.. have you .. um.. stepped on a .. um .. scale lately?" WTF??? What are you talking about??? He says he did not shrink my clothes, but that I had gained weight. I couldn't believe that I was so unaware of myself gaining weight. How could I not see that?? How very very dangerous it is to wear only sweat pants! Manuel will never ever admit to this, but I know he felt better when I was heavier. There was not a single time that I tried to lose weight that he did not deliberately sabotage my diet.

I was wasting my money on NutriSystems' nasty ass food but sticking to it, when he says "Let's go have a burrito down at 16th and Valencia." Knowing damn well I LOVED those burritos. I was wasting my money on a doctor supervised OptiFast liquid diet losing lots of weight, when all of the sudden we HAD to go try out this new Italian restaurant down in the North Beach District which offered 7 course meals. We never went out for Italian.. ever. I was wasting my money when I went to see a hypnotist who helped me stop drinking Coke and helped me with other bad eating habits, when low and behold the man who NEVER drank Coke had to have a twelve pack in the fridge at all times. Just have one Dwan it won't hurt. Just like a drug dealer!! Those were just the big deliberate sabotages I remember. There were countless little ones.

I would totally love to blame Manuel for me being as fat as I am, but even with all the temptations, I could have said no, but I didn't. I also would like to blame genetics for being so fat. I would say that 90% of my family is at some level overweight. There are many who are obese. A couple who are morbidly obese. This on both sides of my family. I still have a choice to eat the way I do.

I am not one of those people who eats 2 lbs of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a loaf of bread in one sitting. Manuel used to tell me, "I have no idea how you gain weight when you eat less than half of what I do." I think its a combination of eating the wrong foods and moving the least amount possible.

I once read a study on the difference of movement between skinny (if you are under 35 BMI you are skinny to me) and fat people. One statement said when a skinny (not their term, but that was my filter) makes a bed they use many more movements than an obese person. A skinny person will pull up the sheet on one side then go to the other side to pull up the sheet. They will then pull up the blanket on one side then move to the other side and pull up the blanket etc. An obese person will fully make the bed on one side then move to the other side and finish the bed. A skinny person makes 20 moves to make a bed and an obese person makes 2-3 moves. Guess what? I make the bed like an obese person. Who would think that something so simple would be so telling? A skinny person will make several trips from the car with groceries. An obese person will load up with every single possible bag they can get in their arms, fingers, pinkies even and try to get everything in with only one trip. Once in the house they will probably ask someone else to get the rest if there are any left in the car.

I once had a vegan (Someone who doesn't eat any animal products at all) tell me if I became a vegan it would be impossible to eat more than 1800 calories in a day. Wanna bet?? I knew I could, I started imagining all the stuff I could eat that didn't have animal products but were fattening. Our great country has come up with all kinds of substitutes.

I remember watching Roseanne's talk show once. She talked about how SlimFast had asked her to go on their diet. They would give her all the products and pay her. She said "Hell yeah!" They delivered her a truck load of the SlimFast products: shakes in every flavor and cases and cases of the snack bars. She said they tasted GREAT! The snack bars that were suppose last her a year were gone in a week. Now she thinks like an obese person!! I thought.. hell yeah I would have done the same thing!!

I know I need some changes in my behaviors as well as my eating habits. I know my children will be completely supportive in my new endeavor. I am excited and can't wait! Well actually I can wait I guess otherwise I would be starting these new behaviors now instead of waiting until D day.

Why I decided on the Sleeve Gastrectomy

For years I have been thinking about getting a weight loss surgery. I remember about 5 or 6 years ago I talked to several people who had the Gastric Bypass. All were very happy they did it. I can totally understand. It is miserable being hugely fat.

I am considered morbidly obese. I hate that term. Actually my BMI put me in the morbidly obese several points ago. I'm sure it was the same doctor that said I should be weighing 99lbs. I don't think I even weighed that little when I was born. My bones weigh more than 99lbs! Anyways I hate that term morbidly obese.

Back when I was looking at the Gastric Bypass, the cost was astronomical! I think it was around $20-25k. The insurance wouldn't pay for it no matter how much it would save them in the long run nor how much I needed it. Fortunately, I am a complete believer in the fact that God has a plan for me. The plan was not to get the Gastric Bypass and not to lose weight at that time. I don't think we had anyone local who could do the surgery. I would have had to go to Las Vegas.

We now have local surgeons who perform weight loss surgery. They offer the Lap-Band, Gastric Bypass, and Sleeve Gastrectomy.

The Lap-Band is not for me. Typical Lap-Band patients lose weight very slowly and it needs constant attention to continue to lose weight. There are some people who are happy with it, but a lot of the information I have found shows that it doesn't work as well for people who need to lose more than 60lbs. The one person I know personally who had the Lap-Band didn't lose any weight the first year she had it. Mainly because she didn't do the follow ups as required and it had not been filled as needed.

I thought that since the Lap-Band was not for me the only other option was the Gastric Bypass. I was all set to have that surgery, but I was very troubled by the fact that the stomach stayed in there not really doing anything. I know that it does stuff, but basically its not used and it just gave me creepy feelings to think that there was something in my body petrifying. I was also having problems with the malabsorption. I really was not looking forward to having my hair fall out. But I was willing to put up with it to lose this damn weight.

I went on to our local surgeon's website and noticed the Sleeve Gastrectomy was listed as an option at the bottom. At first, I dismissed it. Never heard of it. The more I went back to the website, the more I looked at it as an option. It was perfect for me. No bands to get filled and it didn't bypass anything. There wasn't any problems with malabsorption either. They consider it a rather new procedure.. for weight loss anyways. Basically what they do is cut out 85% of your stomach. The part they cut out is the stretchy part. What is left is the harder fibrous part of the stomach. I think the scariest part of it all is that it is the only surgery that is not reversible. The nice thing about it is its the same price as the Lap-Band.

Both the Lap-Band and Sleeve Gastrectomy is around $14k. The Gastric Bypass runs about $17k. Insurance companies will now typically pay for the Lap-Band or Gastric Bypass because there are long-term (10+ years) data on them. The Sleeve Gastrectomy's data is only about 5 years old as far as weight loss surgery goes. I think I am glad that I do not have insurance at this point as it doesn't bias my options.

With any of the options, you are required to do a 2-week liquid diet prior to the surgery. This is to reduce the fatty content of your liver which needs to be moved out of the way during the surgery. With the fatty content out of your liver, it is stiffer and easier to move aside. Then you are on a liquid diet for two weeks after your surgery while your stomach heals. I would imagine this will help your weight loss dramatically that first month and give you encouragement.

My fears... you would think pain would be the first one..but actually it comes second to the anesthesia. Eleven years ago I had an out-patient hernia correction surgery. When I awoke, as I have with previous surgeries, I was very nauseous. I had dry heaves the first hour. It was horrible. I then lay in bed nauseous for a week, but had to get up and go to work the following week. A woman I worked with suggested I get some anti-nausea medicine from my doctor. He prescribed me Compazine. A little known fact about Compazine .. a side effect that rarely occurs is sever panic attacks. I have never had a panic attack before so of course didn't recognize it when it occurred. I absolutely believed I was going to die. Right then.. I didn't know from what.. but I was certain I was going to die that instant. This literally destroyed my life for three years. If you have lived with anxiety attacks you know exactly what I am talking about. If you live with anxiety attacks, the way to fix them is cranio sacral work. A special thanks goes out to Brian Fisher who saved my life. Since he worked on me, I have not had an anxiety attack and we are talking about over seven years now. I explained this fear to the doctor's office and they assured me that there are things they can do to make sure this does not happen.

Next would be the pain. I had my gall bladder out many years ago and I was told it would be about the same. I do not remember having any severe pain with that, but what I have heard from people is that there is a lot of pain when they wake up. My theory is its from the stretching that is caused when the gas is pumped into you to stretch your abdomen so they have room to perform the surgery. I understand there is pain, but it seems to only last a day or two. It will be worth it!!

My next concern would be the saggy skin. This is more of a concern than a fear. I can guarantee that saggy skin is the same skin I have right now just without the fat in it. I am going to start saving up immediately for cosmetic surgery. I will work on it while I'm losing the weight, but I will be prepared if the surgery is needed afterwards. If for some miraculous reason I do not need the surgery.. Costa Rica here I come!!!

I am not sure I will be posting before pics in the beginning. Its very hard. If you have seen the pics on my Facebook, you will notice that I do not post any pics that really show how fat I am. I was tagged by my niece in a picture that was taken many years ago, and I removed the tag so no one looking at my page could see the pic. (Kelly, just in case you wondered why my tag was removed lol.) That goes along with listing my current weight. I am not sure I will have the guts to do it. Maybe after I lose some. I don't know.. maybe I will just do it all. Its not like I'm hiding it from anyone. Anyone who knows me knows how fat I am. Its not like my clothes hide 50lbs. HAHA I know my pics hide it as I do not post any pics that show how truly fat I am. I do have the pics. I always take the pics because I know that eventually I will have to have before pics. When I see a picture that I think is horrendous I always think.. that will make a good before pic!