I want to lose weight faster, but I am not doing what it takes to make it go faster. This is why I had the surgery done. If I had not had it done, I would totally be gaining weight right now. I went in to a "give up" mode. I haven't given up, because seriously .. I can't. I am so thankful for that! I am also very glad I am writing this blog. It is nice to see that only two posts ago I was struggling with getting down to the 250's now I am struggling with getting down to the 240's. It shows progress. Progress I forget. I forget because of these little struggles.
Some days I feel good about my weight loss. Some days.. especially when I see pictures of myself, I feel like I have so much more to lose. I see other people's weight loss as being so much greater than mine. As of today I am down 53 pounds. I didn't even weigh myself yesterday because I was so unhappy with the scale. I would struggle down a couple of pounds then the next day get on the scale to see an entire week's worth of weight loss gone. That sucks!!! I keep reminding myself .. its water weight .. its water weight. I even talk to my scale. Ok.. be nice to me today. What??? I told you to be nice today.. what's wrong with you .. damn scale!!
Another mind game that plagues me is that it seems that whatever slight I receive I automatically perceive it as being related to my weight. For instance, I was at a party and got interrupted during my introduction, however crazy it sounds, I immediately thought, he wouldn't have done that if I was skinny. At this same party, there was a member of the band who I met a long ass time ago, but he didn't seem interested in dating. He was there with his girlfriend who was just "overweight". (We are all relegated to my, normal weight, over weight, obese and morbidly obese now!) I immediately thought, it was my weight that kept him from asking me out. Truth is I always feel that way if someone is not interested in dating me. Another example was at two concerts I went to. Even though I was the first person to get a kiss from Russell of Air Supply, I felt slighted later when we were all down front by the stage. I knew for positive that it was because of my weight. I was watching another band play at a local bar and the guitarist came out to the crowd, he came up close to all the skinny girls, but he kept his distance from me. Of course, I assume this is because I was the fattest person there. Are all of these truths? Its possible. It is also possible, I just perceive them as slights and would have happened even if I was skinny. Will I have these same weird thought patterns when I am skinny? Will I think.. they only like me because I am skinny.. If I was fat they would not pay any attention to me. Who knows. If I wasn't such a self-analyzer I wouldn't have anything to write about on this blog. :)
One thing I have noticed is I am taking more full body pictures. I haven't purposely done that for quite some time and a good reason why I was in such denial. So if I keep in mind that comparing what I looked like just three months ago to what I look like now it is a difference.
Speaking of that .. here is a before and after 50 pounds picture. Thanks to Andi for taking the before picture as I am not sure I can find a full body of just me photo.
Loose skin ... will I have it?
I was at the rec center swimming, when I notice a lady come to the pool. I was doing exactly what I hope people do not do to me while I am walking around in my swimsuit. I was judging her. It was not a mean judgement. I wanted to talk to her. She obviously had lost a lot of weight. She was wearing a bathing suit that showed off a LOT of saggy skin. Arms, legs, back and stomach. She was not fat at all. I worry I am going to look like that. If I do, will it prevent me from wearing a bathing suit? I wanted to know how much she started out at. How fast she lost her weight. Does she regret it? I think if I would have been at the edge of the pool at the same time she was I would have broached the subject. The problem is .. would she be offended?
For my birthday, which is on May 4th this coming Wednesday, I received 10 LipLaser sessions from my mom. She has had this done. My research into this shows that it is not for obese people, but since I am losing the weight it will be a nice booster. A main reason I want to get this is it does skin tightening. Will this make a difference? I figure if it does, I will have it done periodically throughout my weight loss so that at the end, hopefully the saggy skin won't be as big of a problem.
Priceless! My daughter who weighs 125 pounds, was complaining about the back of her legs and the bumps she sees there. She sees me putting on my shorts and she says, "Oh now I know where I get those lumps in my legs from!" Brat!!
Its all in the mind!
The other day both of my boys needed to use the cars, so I was left with driving one of the scooters. It is humorous because what I saw in my minds eye was, I am sure, not what other people were seeing.
I saw myself as one of those bitchin' Harley chicks. Not the hard core dikes. (No offense meant, but being from San Francisco, its what they would have called themselves.) I am thinking of the sexy playboy bunny looking Harley chick. I felt so good, I took a picture of myself. Reality wasn't anything near my mind's eye, but I was still feeling good. Here I am:
I found that it really does make a difference the clothes that you wear. I found that wearing clothes that fit me and were cute made me feel a lot more sexier. In my last post, I commented on not feeling sexy like I did last time I weighed 250. I went to a party the other night and wore my new jeans and a cute top I had from before and felt a lot better about myself. The other day I went to a party and was able to wear my size 22 jeans. They were still a little tight, but I was able to wear them and still be fairly comfortable in them. There was a little buzz kill when I had someone take a full body pic of me and then I looked at it. Ug .. I just have to keep reminding myself that at least its not me looking at a pic of me being 300 pounds!!
Here is the pic they took...
And the pic I took to make myself feel better!
This last week has been crazy with finals and papers due etc. so I did not make the time to go swimming. I almost put down that I couldn't but the truth is I didn't. I am sure I could have made the time if I really wanted to. But my point in writing this, is I went swimming and I actually saw someone else who swims in the lap pool with a snorkel! The poor guy probably thought I was crazy. I told him how glad I was that FINALLY someone else came to the pool to swim laps that doesn't know how or who can't swim like the professionals. I told him I was going to write about him in my blog. I didn't ask his name as he really didn't seem like he wanted to chit chat. (Is it because I'm fat?)
I am thinking of writing up my swimming regimen. It seems to work really well for me. I can feel my muscles through the fat now!!
I do 20 minutes of swimming with fins and weights. Each lap I use the weights differently. Going one way I swim on front holding the weights out in front or on side hands up or down with the weights barely beneath the water. Coming back I swim on my back holding the weights out at side or close to side hands up or down. I really feel the muscles working on all parts this way. I take a break for a few mins while I am holding the weights together directly below my chin. I use my chin to push the weights below the water. Great neck/chin workout. I then use the snorkel and swim for 20 minutes. After that I use the weights with the snorkel which gives more of a water aerobics while swimming. Lap going one way I do a front to back motion with the weights like I was running with the weights. One arm forward while the other is going back. On the way back I do arms out at side then down underneath me to touch sort of like a butterfly motion. All the while my legs are getting a work out with the fins. Those fins make a HUGE difference and I would definitely recommend them. Maybe someday when this all works out, I will make a video :)
I am sure I sound like a preacher to those I talk to who are considering weight loss surgery. It has already made such a difference in my life. I complain about struggles, but in truth, I would have these struggles in my life no matter what, at least now I get to have them while I am losing weight.
If you have any questions please feel free to email me at msdms at y mail dot com. That really is ymail not yahoo.
This will be a great week!! I am positive I will reach my weight goal. Only 2.9 pounds to go until I am in the 240's. My birthday is on Wednesday!!! Support Group is Thursday evening. I am having lunch with some long lost friends. And last but not least... this semester will be over!!
I am grateful I was able to have the Sleeve Gastrectomy. It has made a huge difference in my life!!