Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's Official, I Am No Longer A SSBBW!!

I gave hint to my weight several posts ago by saying I was considered a SSBBW. You have to be over 300 lbs to be considered SSBBW. Well I have broken the 300 lb mark!! How many of you are excited to see a 2 start out your weight digits?? There are only a select few of us.

I am glad I am forced into doing this liquid diet because last night I would have totally gone off of it. I went out with my girlfriend to a singles dance that is put on by the predominant religion here in Utah. It is a great place to have some good clean fun. I had one of my shakes right before going in so I thought I would be ok. I drank lots of water while I was there, but I was still starving after just a few minutes of going in. After about two hours, my stomach was rumbling extravagantly. They always have finger foods at the dances, but last night was a dessert contest. I would have never passed up taking at least a few pieces before even if I was on a diet, let alone being starving. Some how some way I made it through. My girlfriend Lanora was quite supportive. When she ate, she ate away from me. That was very sweet of her. I have noticed the smells of food are much stronger right now. Maybe part of being able to stick to this diet is knowing that I can eat again real soon. It will be much different eating for me, but at least I know there is an end to this soon.

I have a lot of weight to lose so when I start a diet, I have to figure I am going to be on this diet for years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I usually put a short term goal, such as 50 lbs or even 20 lbs, but I still know there isn't a close end. In the end, I figure it is not worth the pain and denial of yummy food to be thin. I have analyzed this for the last few days. How is it I am able to deny myself eating when I am so hungry? This is new behavior for me.

I Had A Dream!

I had a dream yesterday morning just before I woke up. I don't remember who the other people were in the dream, but they offered me food and soda the scoundrels! I started eating the food and drinking the soda. In the dream I felt disappointed in myself for eating the food but it did not stop me. This is very typical behavior for me. My poor children, who have always tried to be supportive of my past weight loss attempts, also became disappointed in me every time I went off my diets. I remember having a contest with a guy I was dating a few years ago. "Beat the addiction" He was going to stop drinking alcohol and I was going to stop eating extra carbs. The bet was $100. I didn't fess up to losing right away, but I remember that when I gave him the $100, instead of being happy he won the money, he was very disappointed that I gave up. Disappointment is hard to live down so when I woke up from the dream I was relieved and said out loud, "Thank God! It was only a dream!" I reassured myself I did NOT go off my diet. I find it totally weird how messed up this weight has made me.

What A Difference An Angle Makes!

I am going to post two pictures that I took yesterday. Both were taken within minutes of each other, but probably explains why I have such a skewed picture in my mind of what I look like. I see myself as the first picture. Yes I look overweight, but not as overweight as I really am.

This next picture is what others see, but I refuse to see. If its in the mirror, I refuse to see it. I look at specific things in the mirror, not the whole picture. When it does pop out, such as when I see myself reflected in the window as I am walking to my car or pass a mirror, I look away. When those pictures of me show up on my screen saver that I do not delete because I think they will make great "before" pictures, I shake my head in disgust. My thoughts run bi-polar. I am disgusted with myself. I know I am a great person. This body does not show who I really am. This is what others see, and even this picture does not show the whole picture.

I, very much, am looking forward to bringing my body into alignment with my personality. I am an outgoing vibrant and brilliant woman. If you came here through my Facebook link, you might notice that I only posted the former picture on there. You will also notice that most of the picture I posted on there are taken from a downward angle and I am looking to the side. I still refuse to post any of my real fat pictures on there. I probably wont ever post those pictures on there. So only the very few who read the blog will ever see any of my "fat" pictures.

My current weight: 299.0 Total weight loss since January 26th (3 days): 6.8 lbs

I am on my way!

1 comment:

  1. YAAHOOO. Since reading your blog I see a diffent change in your writings. I think once a person set's their mind-frame to doing something that is RIGHT and GOOD for themself it tells your inner-self "Ok I'm going to beat this monster of..." You fill in the rest.

    You are sooooo outgoing, vibrant and a brilliant woman, but you forgot one "beau·ti·ful".

    Dwan you are going to do this..I can feel it in my bones.
    When you get to the weight that you feel ggod at..I will come and vist and we will celebrate. :)))