Sunday, January 9, 2011

More embarrassing stories of being fat .. TMI

I know there are a couple of people who read this. I post it on my Facebook page each time I make an entry. Some may think.. woah.. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I agree. BUT the purpose of this blog is for me to journal my process. Its difficult knowing that anyone in the world can see my most personal stories, but maybe someone will see it and relate. I have started other blogs about weight loss, but this is the first time I have committed to writing all my secrets about being fat hoping that it will keep me motivated along the way.

This morning I was sitting at the table (this set is actually my daughters). The table is a tall table with wooden bar stool height chairs. I am 5 foot even. I do not like bar stool height chairs. After eating breakfast which consisted of left over Olive Garden steak garganzola .. mmm .. my favorite dish there, I went to push the chair back to get down and I heard it creak. It immediately brought up a very embarrassing moment that happened about 8 or 9 years ago.

I was in Jamaica on a business trip. I have was having breakfast or lunch (I do not remember which meal it was) with two friends who I also happen to work with. Ken and Jay Kay. Its beautiful weather there in Jamaica so we were eating outside of the hotel's restaurant. Even though it was a pretty nice place, I guess because of the rain/storms they have the furniture outside consisted of plastic table and chairs. The type you can get from WalMart during the spring time for $50 for the whole set. (Maybe I am exaggerating the cheapness of it just a little.) We were seated. We were looking at the menu and all of the sudden the legs of my chair gave out. You would think we were in a slapstick comedy. All four legs went out in four directions. I landed on my ass. I started laughing out of embarrassment or just the funniness of it, I am not sure .. maybe both. We all sat there for a second a little stunned. Then Ken and Jay jumped up to help me up. It is of course very difficult when you are my size to get up from an awkward position as that. Its almost easier if no one helps you and you roll over onto your hands and knees, but how do you tell someone that? Well I finally get up and the waitress comes over with her quick fix. They double up the chairs. HAHAHA it still makes me laugh at how being so very fat needs these types of accommodations.

There is a story I feel sad about. It doesn't have any part that makes me smile or chuckle. I took my two oldest children to the park that was about three very long blocks from my house. They were about 2 and 3 at the time. My daughter was playing on the jungle gym and went to reach for the bar, but fell onto the hard packed red dirt. She hit the ground hard enough to give her a concussion. This was before cell phones. No one else was at the park. I had to carry her while holding my 2 year old son's hand. I remember getting about a block when I couldn't carry her anymore. I tried to have her walk, but she couldn't walk straight. Even holding her hand, she couldn't walk straight. I felt absolutely miserable. What could I do? I couldn't leave my son by himself. It took me forever to make those three blocks. I thought I was going to die. I am pretty sure I was balling by the time I made it through the door. Poor Manuel didn't know what was wrong. He thought I was in the one in need of medical attention. How horrible I remember feeling, but here that child is almost 20 years old with a son of her own and I am even more out of shape then I was then.

I was talking to my ex-husband last night. I told him that I was going to get the Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery done. He was very against it. Said it was too dangerous blah blah blah. It reminded me of how big a sabotager he was to my losing weight. When I met him I weighed 135 lbs. I wore a size 7 jeans. After moving in with him, unbeknownst to me I started gaining weight. Here it is 25 years later and it still makes me chuckle when I first found out I was gaining weight.

A few months after we were living together, Manuel wanted to go out dancing. I was excited as all I had been doing prior to this was staying home in sweats day and night. I got out my dancing duds out, and put them on. Well Manuel always did the laundry so I had every reason to blame him for it. My clothes had SHRUNK!! Boy was I mad. I couldn't believe he shrunk my favorite dancing outfit that consisted of a mini skirt and a half shirt. (Remember this was in the 80's.) After hearing me complain to him about shrinking my outfit for about 20 minutes, he turned to me and said, "Um Dwan.. have you .. um.. stepped on a .. um .. scale lately?" WTF??? What are you talking about??? He says he did not shrink my clothes, but that I had gained weight. I couldn't believe that I was so unaware of myself gaining weight. How could I not see that?? How very very dangerous it is to wear only sweat pants! Manuel will never ever admit to this, but I know he felt better when I was heavier. There was not a single time that I tried to lose weight that he did not deliberately sabotage my diet.

I was wasting my money on NutriSystems' nasty ass food but sticking to it, when he says "Let's go have a burrito down at 16th and Valencia." Knowing damn well I LOVED those burritos. I was wasting my money on a doctor supervised OptiFast liquid diet losing lots of weight, when all of the sudden we HAD to go try out this new Italian restaurant down in the North Beach District which offered 7 course meals. We never went out for Italian.. ever. I was wasting my money when I went to see a hypnotist who helped me stop drinking Coke and helped me with other bad eating habits, when low and behold the man who NEVER drank Coke had to have a twelve pack in the fridge at all times. Just have one Dwan it won't hurt. Just like a drug dealer!! Those were just the big deliberate sabotages I remember. There were countless little ones.

I would totally love to blame Manuel for me being as fat as I am, but even with all the temptations, I could have said no, but I didn't. I also would like to blame genetics for being so fat. I would say that 90% of my family is at some level overweight. There are many who are obese. A couple who are morbidly obese. This on both sides of my family. I still have a choice to eat the way I do.

I am not one of those people who eats 2 lbs of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a loaf of bread in one sitting. Manuel used to tell me, "I have no idea how you gain weight when you eat less than half of what I do." I think its a combination of eating the wrong foods and moving the least amount possible.

I once read a study on the difference of movement between skinny (if you are under 35 BMI you are skinny to me) and fat people. One statement said when a skinny (not their term, but that was my filter) makes a bed they use many more movements than an obese person. A skinny person will pull up the sheet on one side then go to the other side to pull up the sheet. They will then pull up the blanket on one side then move to the other side and pull up the blanket etc. An obese person will fully make the bed on one side then move to the other side and finish the bed. A skinny person makes 20 moves to make a bed and an obese person makes 2-3 moves. Guess what? I make the bed like an obese person. Who would think that something so simple would be so telling? A skinny person will make several trips from the car with groceries. An obese person will load up with every single possible bag they can get in their arms, fingers, pinkies even and try to get everything in with only one trip. Once in the house they will probably ask someone else to get the rest if there are any left in the car.

I once had a vegan (Someone who doesn't eat any animal products at all) tell me if I became a vegan it would be impossible to eat more than 1800 calories in a day. Wanna bet?? I knew I could, I started imagining all the stuff I could eat that didn't have animal products but were fattening. Our great country has come up with all kinds of substitutes.

I remember watching Roseanne's talk show once. She talked about how SlimFast had asked her to go on their diet. They would give her all the products and pay her. She said "Hell yeah!" They delivered her a truck load of the SlimFast products: shakes in every flavor and cases and cases of the snack bars. She said they tasted GREAT! The snack bars that were suppose last her a year were gone in a week. Now she thinks like an obese person!! I thought.. hell yeah I would have done the same thing!!

I know I need some changes in my behaviors as well as my eating habits. I know my children will be completely supportive in my new endeavor. I am excited and can't wait! Well actually I can wait I guess otherwise I would be starting these new behaviors now instead of waiting until D day.

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