Here we are 6 and a half months post-op

Its interesting .. for some reason I have not wanted to blog. It was a physical reaction. Every time I thought I should blog I felt sick to my stomach. I am not sure why. Lack of motivation? Summer time blues? Not enough time? Who knows.

I finally got back on because my boyfriend (that's right I have one now) is taking a class that requires him to blog. Since he needed help getting signed on I thought I would come over here and take a look at mine.

Here is my update.

I am down 88.5 lbs!!! I feel great. I am in the mid-teens.
I am down a total of almost 80 inches.

I went to a dance the other day and some one asked me how I was doing (they had not seen me in a long time) and I replied.. it feels great being able to come to a dance and not be the fattest person there. She just laughed and said I am sure it is. You have no idea!

I still have body image dysforia .. this is where you do not see your body for what it is. I still see myself as being FAT FAT FAT .. which I am .. but I only need to lose 2 points of my BMI to be below the "morbidly obese" category.

For the first time since they made body fat monitors that you hold in your hand or stand on etc, I am NOT 50%. If anyone very overweight has tried them you know that the max number on it is 50%. I have never seen anything other than 50% as a reading on there. Two weeks ago, I got on my BMI scale and weighed. I wrote down all the numbers, weight, body fat percentage, muscle percentage, water percentage, BMI, and calorie count to maintain the current weight. It was not until I got back to my computer that and was putting the information into the spreadsheet that I realized that it say 48.4% body fat!!!! I had to stand up and do the hokie pokie dance just a little. What a freaking great feeling that was!

So now that I am down in the teens, I have two races going on. One to my 100 lb mark and the next to be under 200. These two marks are less than 6 lbs from each other .. the 100 lb mark will put me at 205.8. Really I just want to skip that and be 198! It will be here.. this I have faith in.

Next up in my life is my new guy. On New Year's day I made a resolution to stay single for the year while I and working on myself. This resolution actually lasted longer than most of my resolutions. I stayed single for over 7 months. He is very encouraging and supportive. He even made it through my "cleansing days"! Well he did ask me to eat something :) I think he begged me to eat something!

I finally went and bought new underwear. Wow what a difference .. I had to buy some 3 sizes smaller .. haha .. the old ones were hard to give up but I needed to move on.

It feels great being able to fit in booths, fit on rides, go places that before I would never have accomplished.

I went to the county fair and went on three rides. I would never ever have tried those rides before.

Last night we were at the park and someone asked if I had played "pickle ball" I said.. um .. I just lost 88.5 lbs and before that I have never played any sports/games so all of these games are new to me. Even volleyball. I am enjoying learning these games and playing with my man.

Here are some updated photos:

Happy to be down 50+ pounds or am I?

I want to lose weight faster, but I am not doing what it takes to make it go faster. This is why I had the surgery done. If I had not had it done, I would totally be gaining weight right now. I went in to a "give up" mode. I haven't given up, because seriously .. I can't. I am so thankful for that! I am also very glad I am writing this blog. It is nice to see that only two posts ago I was struggling with getting down to the 250's now I am struggling with getting down to the 240's. It shows progress. Progress I forget. I forget because of these little struggles.

Some days I feel good about my weight loss. Some days.. especially when I see pictures of myself, I feel like I have so much more to lose. I see other people's weight loss as being so much greater than mine. As of today I am down 53 pounds. I didn't even weigh myself yesterday because I was so unhappy with the scale. I would struggle down a couple of pounds then the next day get on the scale to see an entire week's worth of weight loss gone. That sucks!!! I keep reminding myself .. its water weight .. its water weight. I even talk to my scale. Ok.. be nice to me today. What??? I told you to be nice today.. what's wrong with you .. damn scale!!

Another mind game that plagues me is that it seems that whatever slight I receive I automatically perceive it as being related to my weight. For instance, I was at a party and got interrupted during my introduction, however crazy it sounds, I immediately thought, he wouldn't have done that if I was skinny. At this same party, there was a member of the band who I met a long ass time ago, but he didn't seem interested in dating. He was there with his girlfriend who was just "overweight". (We are all relegated to my, normal weight, over weight, obese and morbidly obese now!) I immediately thought, it was my weight that kept him from asking me out. Truth is I always feel that way if someone is not interested in dating me. Another example was at two concerts I went to. Even though I was the first person to get a kiss from Russell of Air Supply, I felt slighted later when we were all down front by the stage. I knew for positive that it was because of my weight. I was watching another band play at a local bar and the guitarist came out to the crowd, he came up close to all the skinny girls, but he kept his distance from me. Of course, I assume this is because I was the fattest person there. Are all of these truths? Its possible. It is also possible, I just perceive them as slights and would have happened even if I was skinny. Will I have these same weird thought patterns when I am skinny? Will I think.. they only like me because I am skinny.. If I was fat they would not pay any attention to me. Who knows. If I wasn't such a self-analyzer I wouldn't have anything to write about on this blog. :)

Taking pictures

One thing I have noticed is I am taking more full body pictures. I haven't purposely done that for quite some time and a good reason why I was in such denial. So if I keep in mind that comparing what I looked like just three months ago to what I look like now it is a difference.

Speaking of that .. here is a before and after 50 pounds picture. Thanks to Andi for taking the before picture as I am not sure I can find a full body of just me photo.

Loose skin ... will I have it?

I was at the rec center swimming, when I notice a lady come to the pool. I was doing exactly what I hope people do not do to me while I am walking around in my swimsuit. I was judging her. It was not a mean judgement. I wanted to talk to her. She obviously had lost a lot of weight. She was wearing a bathing suit that showed off a LOT of saggy skin. Arms, legs, back and stomach. She was not fat at all. I worry I am going to look like that. If I do, will it prevent me from wearing a bathing suit? I wanted to know how much she started out at. How fast she lost her weight. Does she regret it? I think if I would have been at the edge of the pool at the same time she was I would have broached the subject. The problem is .. would she be offended?

For my birthday, which is on May 4th this coming Wednesday, I received 10 LipLaser sessions from my mom. She has had this done. My research into this shows that it is not for obese people, but since I am losing the weight it will be a nice booster. A main reason I want to get this is it does skin tightening. Will this make a difference? I figure if it does, I will have it done periodically throughout my weight loss so that at the end, hopefully the saggy skin won't be as big of a problem.

Priceless! My daughter who weighs 125 pounds, was complaining about the back of her legs and the bumps she sees there. She sees me putting on my shorts and she says, "Oh now I know where I get those lumps in my legs from!" Brat!!

Its all in the mind!

The other day both of my boys needed to use the cars, so I was left with driving one of the scooters. It is humorous because what I saw in my minds eye was, I am sure, not what other people were seeing.

I saw myself as one of those bitchin' Harley chicks. Not the hard core dikes. (No offense meant, but being from San Francisco, its what they would have called themselves.) I am thinking of the sexy playboy bunny looking Harley chick. I felt so good, I took a picture of myself. Reality wasn't anything near my mind's eye, but I was still feeling good. Here I am:

Feeling sexy?

I found that it really does make a difference the clothes that you wear. I found that wearing clothes that fit me and were cute made me feel a lot more sexier. In my last post, I commented on not feeling sexy like I did last time I weighed 250. I went to a party the other night and wore my new jeans and a cute top I had from before and felt a lot better about myself. The other day I went to a party and was able to wear my size 22 jeans. They were still a little tight, but I was able to wear them and still be fairly comfortable in them. There was a little buzz kill when I had someone take a full body pic of me and then I looked at it. Ug .. I just have to keep reminding myself that at least its not me looking at a pic of me being 300 pounds!!

Here is the pic they took...

And the pic I took to make myself feel better!

Swimming

This last week has been crazy with finals and papers due etc. so I did not make the time to go swimming. I almost put down that I couldn't but the truth is I didn't. I am sure I could have made the time if I really wanted to. But my point in writing this, is I went swimming and I actually saw someone else who swims in the lap pool with a snorkel! The poor guy probably thought I was crazy. I told him how glad I was that FINALLY someone else came to the pool to swim laps that doesn't know how or who can't swim like the professionals. I told him I was going to write about him in my blog. I didn't ask his name as he really didn't seem like he wanted to chit chat. (Is it because I'm fat?)

I am thinking of writing up my swimming regimen. It seems to work really well for me. I can feel my muscles through the fat now!!

I do 20 minutes of swimming with fins and weights. Each lap I use the weights differently. Going one way I swim on front holding the weights out in front or on side hands up or down with the weights barely beneath the water. Coming back I swim on my back holding the weights out at side or close to side hands up or down. I really feel the muscles working on all parts this way. I take a break for a few mins while I am holding the weights together directly below my chin. I use my chin to push the weights below the water. Great neck/chin workout. I then use the snorkel and swim for 20 minutes. After that I use the weights with the snorkel which gives more of a water aerobics while swimming. Lap going one way I do a front to back motion with the weights like I was running with the weights. One arm forward while the other is going back. On the way back I do arms out at side then down underneath me to touch sort of like a butterfly motion. All the while my legs are getting a work out with the fins. Those fins make a HUGE difference and I would definitely recommend them. Maybe someday when this all works out, I will make a video :)

Recommending

I am sure I sound like a preacher to those I talk to who are considering weight loss surgery. It has already made such a difference in my life. I complain about struggles, but in truth, I would have these struggles in my life no matter what, at least now I get to have them while I am losing weight.

If you have any questions please feel free to email me at msdms at y mail dot com. That really is ymail not yahoo.

This will be a great week!! I am positive I will reach my weight goal. Only 2.9 pounds to go until I am in the 240's. My birthday is on Wednesday!!! Support Group is Thursday evening. I am having lunch with some long lost friends. And last but not least... this semester will be over!!

I am grateful I was able to have the Sleeve Gastrectomy. It has made a huge difference in my life!!

What size am I?

It was a lot of fun trying on my black jeans and having them fit me after taking that picture of them not fitting me. So, yesterday I decided to buy a couple pairs of jeans in the next two sizes down so that I could gage my weight loss by fitting into the jeans.

I have been so intent on my weight loss goal of 250 by my birthday, that the interim weight loss just seem like numbers. I have lost 48 pounds as of today. I have a big benchmark coming up in 2 pounds, but I am more interested in 7.8 pound benchmark. In reality I want to see the 7.9 pound benchmark. The problem with seeing these benchmarks so close is I do not appreciate these other pounds I have lost.

My point in bringing this up is that by fitting into these jeans it will help me appreciate the little scale movements along the way.

Someone asked me the other night what size pants I wore when I started this. They were 26 stretchy. This means I could not fit into a regular size 26 so probably a 28 or 30. I do not know because no one local carries those sizes. The black jeans I was able to put on a few weeks ago were a size 26. They fit me now to where I can wear them and sit in them very comfortably. I went to Wal-Mart last night to buy some food, and walked past the women's department and saw some jeans on sale so I bought two pair. One a size 24 and one a size 22. I didn't try them on.

As I am getting ready for bed I remember the jeans. Its about midnight. I take out the size 24 jeans and try them on. Imagine my surprise when I pull them on and go to button them up to find that they button very easily. I can sit in them easily and comfortably!! I was sooooo glad that my son Roberto was still up. He was in bed, but I had to go show him. Next I went in and tried the size 22's. They were tight but I was still able to button them and zip them with not much struggle! My poor friend .. she got a long text last night after midnight. This is an exciting day. I am wearing my new jeans to work today!

I find it quite interesting that in 2006 I weighed around 250, but for some reason I felt a lot sexier then than I do now. I think it had a lot to do with my friend Eddy. I blogged before about my experience with Eddy under the BBW post. I mentioned this to my son last night, that I felt sexier in 2006 than I do now. His brilliant reply that his 17 year old brain made was, "I think its just age mom." Hmmmmm ... BRAT!!! That was only 5 years ago! Talk about a buzz killer!

This is me 5 years ago, when I thought I was sexy. I can see it in the stance.

I want to get that mindset back. I want to feel sexy like that again. I look in the mirror and I just see fat. Very fat. Yes I am glad I am not as fat as I was at Christmas last year, I don't even want to remember how fat I was then, but I am still very fat.

I am very glad to have my new friends from the support group as my friends on Facebook. But it is funny to see that most of them have started at where I am now and have lost weight. I have lost 48 pounds to be where they were when they started. Oh well.. at least I am not where I was and will never be there again.

Grocery Shopping

It has been a long time since I have been grocery shopping. When I would go grocery shopping, it was for immediate needs. Such as, we are having a BBQ and need condiments, etc. My poor boys. All their friends have moms who cook for them. My kids all know how to cook and I am not sure what they eat, but they are still living so they must be eating something. Its sad but its true.

Last night, I decide to do some grocery shopping. I bought water, eggs, milk, cheese, pepperoni, crackers, (these last three to take to work today for all of us to snack on during this stressful day when people think their taxes are due) several different kinds of fruit, and three fresh crock pot dinners. My son, Roberto, went shopping with me. He went to get the non-food items while I was getting the food. When he caught up with me, he asked, "Um.. what's all this stuff?" "Who is going to cook it?" When I got home, my son Carlos asked, "What is all this junk, and what am I suppose to eat?" How sad is this?

I know that my boys are trying to eat healthier so I hope I will be a better influence on them instead of it always being the other way around. If I send Carlos to the store to get something he always comes back with some fruit. So I wonder if he was surprised that there was a lot of fruit in the groceries?

On another note

I was contemplating on waiting until after tax season to have the sleeve gastrectomy done, but then chose to have it done right after first peak. My reasoning was .. why wait .. I could have it done now and lose 30-40 pounds by the end of tax season. Well its very possible I will be down 50 pounds by the end of tax season. I am sooooooo glad that I had the weight loss surgery when I did. I am soooooo grateful I was able to start this journey. I paid cash for this and do not regret a single cent.

My recommendation

If you are looking at having weight loss surgery, my recommendations would be: (I am, of course, not a doctor. These are just my opinions and what my research has taught me.)

Lap-Band for those of you only needing to lose 60 pounds or less. This really isn't for those of us that are morbidly obese. If you choose this route, make sure that you do the follow up visits. Make sure that you have your lap-band serviced regularly.

Sleeve Gastrectomy I would recommend this for people who are morbidly obese, but do not have medical issues relating to such high weight. This has worked great for me. I am very very satisfied with this surgery. I am able to eat what I want, but just very limited in quantity. I have not had it long enough to tell you if I have any problems with mal-absorption, but my research has told me that this type of surgery doesn't have that big of a problem with mal-absorption. There wasn't any bypass done, so everything should be fine.

Gastric Bypass I would recommend this for people who are morbidly obese, and have issues with diabetes. What I have heard is that the "dumping syndrome" that is caused by eating sugary or high carb foods is such a bad side effect that people will tend to stay away from those types of foods which will therefore help the diabetes.

We have all searched for that magic pill to help us lose weight. This has been my magic pill. I am so glad that I took it.

Scale Addict and Measurements

Hello, my name is Dwan and I am a scale addict!! I shake my head as I write this, but I know it is true. I keep telling myself that I need to weigh only once a week. But every single morning I wake up, I can not help myself. I can't even sleep in anymore because as soon as I wake up I tell myself I need to get up and weigh myself. I lay there an think.. no you are not going to weigh yourself .. go back to sleep, but the idea of seeing how much if anything I have lost is just too irresistible.

Of course when I am hitting a benchmark its worse. I had to write this blog today because I think I am insane. I have been very close to being in the 250's. My scale for the last few days has read:

Monday: 262.3
Tuesday: 262.5
Wednesday: 261.3
Thursday: 261.8
Friday: 261.4
Saturday: 260.3

Up until now I have been taking only a half of my water pill. I decide that now I am going to take a full water pill, just so I can make sure I meet this benchmark. I mean I have less than half a pound to make it. So I want to ensure I make it because I know my scale loves to play games with me.

This morning is Sunday. Sleep in day. I am exhausted. What time do I wake up?? 7 A.M.!! For those of you that know me .. this is just unreal. Can I go back to sleep?? Of course not!! Because what do I have to do?? Weigh myself .. because what if??

I get up and do the morning routine, come on you know what it is. Get up .. potty... did I potty enough?? Lets sit here just a minute more to make sure. Then strip. You know those panties and t-shirt must weigh a pound or two. I even got my legs and armpits waxed yesterday so I don't have to worry about leg hair weighing me down. I pull the scale out from the wall to the exact point I do every day. I have little lines in my linoleum so I know exactly where my scale needs to be. I toe it into position. I push my toe on it to get it to light up. I wait for the little 0.0 to show up and then I step on it. I position my toes on the scale so they are exactly lined up with the outside of the reader. And I wait. It goes through its little slot machine roll. And bam.. 260.1. Are you kidding me??? I start talking to my scale. Come on.. be nice to me. You do not want me to be disappointed do you?? Stupid scale!

So I decide that its obviously too early to weigh myself. I go back to sleep right after I take another full water pill. I decide that I am going to weigh myself after I get up at a decent hour. I sleep until 10:30. I get up and go through my routine again. I coach my scale to give me some good news. Slot machine roll ..... bam 260.0. Now my scale goes by .1 pounds so all it has to do is go down by .1 and I am in the 250's. Come on scale.. whats wrong with you! I get off the scale. I step back on placing my feet to the outermost area of the scale. Slot machine rollllll ... bam 260.0 Damn scale! I do this process a couple more times. Then I lose it and I weigh myself while I'm holding onto the towel rack. Nice!!! I'm 232!! Some day!! Then I take one more measurement and its still 260.0.

I realize that I am now officially crazy. I laugh at my antics. What does it matter if I am in the 250's today or tomorrow?? I know I am going to lose it. I post my official weight today in my spreadsheet as 260.0. I am now down 45.8 pounds and have exactly 10 pounds to lose to my first big weight loss goal. It is three and a half weeks until my birthday so I am going to be ahead of the game!

Measurements

Good news!!! I am now no longer as fat around as I am tall. I have lost about 6 inches in my hips which is the biggest measurement I have. Fortunately, the bariatrics department gives you a measuring tape that is 72 inches long instead of the regular measuring tape that is only 60 inches long. My beginning hips measurements was 64.25 they are now 58.5 inches. Yes that is still big .. but at least I am officially taller than that :) I lost 6.25 inches in my waist. 3 inches each in chest, ribs, and each thigh. My total inches lost is 37.75.

Miscellaneous

I feel a lot better. I swam laps with my dumbbells three times last week.

One of the things I want to work on is my eating. I am eating a ton less, but I am still not eating healthy. I know that unless I fix this, I will not be able to maintain my weight once I lose it.

I had a great time at the support group this week. There was a vibrant speaker there and it was fun to chat with my new friends.

A problem I am having is constipation. Yea .. not a topic one likes to talk about, but hell.. I have talked about everything else .. so why not! I know that my bowels are not getting hydrated enough, therefore they are constipated. I have been taking my chewable fiber pills, but they are not helping. I have very small irregular bowel movements. I ran across someone who does Colon Hydrotherapy and I think I am going to consult with them. I used to think that was weird, but right now the thought of hydrating my colon sounds very nice and comforting. I will keep you updated on that.

Best wishes, love, peace and happiness!!

I am very grateful I was able to have the sleeve gastrectomy. It was worth every single penny!!

Bathing Suits and Big Boobs Ug!

Now I have heard over the years there are very few women who like going swimsuit shopping and who do not get depressed viewing themselves under the fluorescent lights in the dressing room mirrors in these ill-fitting swim suits that show everything. I was having this experience yesterday as I was swimsuit shopping yesterday.

I am not sure why it is but it seems to me that every swimsuit I have tried on in the past and yesterday all have that "pretend bra" in them. I guess its padded there so that it can offer some support and cover your perky nipples when they hit the cold water. The problem I have with these swimsuits is they all seem to come with a B cup bra in them. I don't know many women my size who can fit into a B cup so this means anyone trying on a swimsuit my size is going to have failure. We are already having trouble as it is finding a swimsuit in our size why put the added failure of making it not fit right and leave things bulging out where they shouldn't be???

My first stop in my swimsuit shopping was a local thrift shop. Let me tell you, most of the swimsuits I tried on there were practically brand new. You know why?? Because as they didn't fit me I am sure they didn't fit the woman who bought them so she didn't wear it. They probably did as I used to do and bought them without trying them on. I tried on four swimsuits there. All in my "size". They were all listed as 3X or a size 24W. I was ready to cry each time I put one on.

You do not get my size and not have a bunch of gobblely gook under your arms and rolls on the side of your back. I don't know about you, but I do not want to show the world this. I want a swimsuit that covers/hides it. Two of the swimsuits I tried on were halter style suits. This means they barely covered the "girls" and didn't cover any of the under the arms/side of the back stuff. Two of the bathing suits were shoulder straps but for some reason they felt they should put the boobs around the belly button. WTF??? I was really hoping I could find a swimsuit at the thrift shop as I have ambitious plans to not fit in it long.

Being here in this little city, we do not have a whole lot of options, so after leaving the thrift shop, wanting to cry, I decided to head over to Wally World to see what they had out. At the last moment I decided to turn left instead of right and ended up at Kohl's. Kohl's does not have a huge selection of plus size clothes, but they are usually a nice selection. I was about to give up on finding a swimsuit there when I accidentally came across a half rack of suits at the very very back of the section. I was looking at the sizes and became very irritated when most of the suits were a size 16 or 18, they had a couple of size 20s and ONE size 22. There happen to be a sales associate standing nearby and I asked her: "Is there a reason Kohl's stops at size 22? I mean there are several women here that are bigger than a size 22." She said: "I do not know, they must not be very popular." Being already depressed from the last store I did not, at the time, find this very humorous! I know she was referring to the swimsuits, but the way it came out I just wanted to bite her head off. Good thing I didn't.

She told me to try the suit on and if I found a style I liked we could scan the ticket and see what size they had it available online and they had free shipping. So I took the only size 22 they had to the dressing room. There is something to say for spending more money on a bathing suit. I tried on the swimsuit and just stared into the mirror. I couldn't believe it.. it actually fit and looked nice and covered everything that I wanted it to cover. For the first time in my life as a fat chick, I found a bathing suit that actually fit and looked nice. As it turned out, the same sales associate was in the dressing room as I was walking out very pleased with the suit. I stopped long enough to tell her I took back everything I said and I was very pleased with the swimsuit and thanked her for encouraging me to try it on.

On the next note: I am down 42.1 pounds today!!! I might change to weighing once a week as I am still struggling day to day with water weight, but I am pleased with my weight loss. Only 13.7 pounds to my first major weight loss goal that I plan to meet before my birthday. May 4th for all of you wanting to know! I am very excited about this! My current weight is 263.7. It is strange but I have to stop myself when I think about my weight. I keep thinking that I am still 300 pounds. I am now officially in the mid-200s. My next goal will be my grandson's birthday and I would like to be down 30 lbs by then. It is at the end of May so I think it is a pretty reasonable goal. I will have some great before and after photos then. I have not posted any pics of me from my grandson's first birthday because of how horrible I look in them. (Personal opinion I know)

I went to the doctor's office last week (not the surgeon) and he was very impressed with my weight loss. I was down 43 pounds by his scale in just over 2 months.

I am continuing my swimming, but it seems I only go about twice a week, maybe now I will go more with my very nice bathing suit. I have fixed my problem with the mask. I now use the cap, goggles, nose plug, snorkel and fins. I swim laps for about an hour then I go to the kiddie lap pool and use the dumbbells the pool provides and walk back and forth while keeping the dumbbells under water and working on different arm muscles. I may still look like a retard, but I feel very good while and after I am doing it and NOW I wont be flashing everyone at the pool.

Here are the photos:

My new swimsuit. I look at this and I really like the suit, of course I want to be a lot thinner, but it is what it is.



This is what they were seeing while wearing my other swimsuit. I felt very self-conscious wearing it like I was exposing too much on purpose.



My new swim gear.



My fins. These fins actually give my legs a great workout, much more so than swimming without them.



I am very very grateful I had the Sleeve Gastrectomy. I would recommend it to anyone considering weight loss options and they have a lot of weight to lose.

Goal weight - Is it realistic?

My goal weight is 135 lbs. I am 5 feet and 3/4 inches. This weight may be at the top end of the charts for my height, but I seriously have big bones that are very dense. Any time before this when I have dieted, my goal weight was 150 lbs. This seemed more realistic to me for some reason. I guess thinking that over the years my muscles got heavier, and my bones got heavier. I am also thinking about the extra skin I will undoubtedly have. Maybe I will get down to 150 and need 15 lbs of extra skin removed. I think what I will do is leave my goal at 135 but as I get down towards the 150 mark, I will start going by body fat percentage, although I am not sure that those things are any more accurate than just using the charts.

As of today, I am down 35.6 lbs. This leaves me at needing to lose 135 lbs to be 135 lbs. The exciting thing is my first short term weight goal of being 250 by my birthday will probably be accomplished a month ahead of schedule. This is very very exciting. This means that I can weigh less than I have in the last 10-15 years by my birthday.

The interesting thing about being so heavy is that its still hard for me to see the 35.6 lbs gone. I mean I sort of see it in the mirror. But most people would not come up to me and say "Did you lose weight?" Not that they get the chance. I am constantly boasting about my weight loss. I am thinking about making a road trip up to San Francisco with my kids this summer. My first high school (I went to four) is having a 40th anniversary celebration. I thought it would be fun to go to, as well as see my (ex) but in my heart still my in-laws. Recently, I started thinking .. even though losing 60 or 70 lbs, I will still be 100 lbs more than they remember me in high school .. and still around the same weight I was when I last saw most of my in-laws. They couldn't appreciate the amount I lost. I mean I am sure they would congratulate me, but it's not like they saw me at 300 then saw me at 230. My in-laws probably saw me at 230 but high school?? They saw me at 125.

This is a picture of a high school friend and I. Of course I am the dark haired one. :)



This is another picture of when I was in high school. No laughing at the dress!



So you can see my point. Thats what they saw me as. So even going at 230-240 I will still have gained 100 lbs since they saw me. I will say that one of the things that did cross my mind is going just so they could see me now so that if I were go to the next one they could then appreciate what I have accomplished. Sometimes I really wonder about my sanity!

I think that making short term goals is very helpful. I started out making a column in my spreadsheet of pounds to go until my goal weight. This was a little overwhelming. It started at 170 lbs. Its now 135 lbs. I added a column that gave me my pounds to lose until my first goal of 250. It started at 55.8 lbs. Now it is 20.2. This seems more reasonable to me and is not as overwhelming. For some reason it helps me to feel more accomplished. Its the same weight loss, but seeing the 20.2 just makes it seem like it is much more accomplishable. (I know .. accomplishable is not a word.. but it is appropriate.)

Tomorrow I plan to be in the 260's. I know I have been there in 2006, but I just do not remember it. This is very exciting!! I am so grateful for getting the sleeve gastrectomy. It has helped me reach goals I never thought I was going to make. I am very grateful that I was able to do it now when I can enjoy life. I feel livelier. I am getting my membership to the gym/community center today.

I feel successful!

I have been waiting to hit the 30 lb mark....

Its been a while since I last blogged. I have been waiting to hit the 30 pound mark, which is not coming. My weight loss over this last week has been small and the last few days I have gained. I know this is water weight. It is weird after so many years of dieting I do know my body's reactions. If I eat certain foods or eat at certain times I can guarantee weight gain. For example, I know if I eat Chinese food, I will undoubtedly weigh more the next day. Even when I am eating such small portions. It is not because I am eating more than my 2,356 calories which is what it takes to maintain my current weight, but because of the ingredients. It causes me to hold water. I know if I eat late at night and have acid reflux while I am sleeping, my body reacts by holding water.

The latter actually occurred last night. I was doing so good yesterday, as I have not been losing and wanted to hit that 30 pound mark, but when I got home after work, around 9 p.m., I knew there was a piece of cheesecake in the fridge calling my name. I did the right thing and took only a small piece. (Ok maybe the right thing would have been not to take it at all.) I have learned this makes it easier not to overeat. When I say small, I mean very small. It wasn't even a 2 inch square piece. I took a bite or two of it, then got involved with a conference call. The call was semi-stressful, dealing with a sick relative and my ex-husband at the same time. After the call, it was probably around midnight, I almost unconsciously ate the rest of the cheesecake. This was bad. Acid reflux while you are sleeping is very bad. Waking up in the middle of the night coughing acid because you inhaled it while sleeping is miserable. Prior to the surgery if I had heartburn/acid reflux I would take a quarter teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water. Now I am afraid it will hurt too much because it causes a lot of gas in the stomach. I need to get some Tums or something that will help me out if this ever occurs again. I knew as soon as I woke up with the acid reflux that the scale was not going to be happy with me in the morning. (Interesting how this is the second thing I think about, after the pain.) Sure enough, when I woke up and walked towards the mirror I knew. My face was puffy. I still weighed myself so I can keep track, but I gained almost a half of a pound.

I figured this was actually good news. One, I knew I was going to gain water weight. Two, usually its at least a pound. Three, this means that I actually lost weight, and it will show as soon as the water weight leaves me.

Now, I have told you before how water pills just mess with my system, and yes they make me feel good for the short term, but do not help out in the long term, but today I was desperate. I have been waiting to get to the 30 pound mark for several days now. So I took a half of a pill. This would be equivalent to 25 mg of HCTZ.

I am so grateful to have the sleeve gastrectomy. Even with this slight weight gain, I still do not feel failure. I would like the weight to come off faster, but I know for a fact it will happen. Taking away the sense of failure, even with the weight gain, feels tremendous. To some 28 pounds is alot, to me its seems little compared to what I need to lose. I will tell you this, it is great to look at my spreadsheet and see the pounds to goal shrink. From 170 to 142. I almost like looking at this more than the pounds lost. My first short term goal of being 250 by my birthday, started out at 55.8 and is now 27.4. This is exciting. I am half way there.

Measurements

I took my measurements on January 26, 2011. This is the day I started the liquid protein diet. I measure: neck, left wrist, right wrist, left upper arm, right upper arm, under arms above chest, chest, ribs, waist, hips, left thigh, right thigh, left calf, right calf, left ankle, right ankle. I measured myself on March 2, 2011 and have lost 20.25 inches total. This is good news! The biggest losers were the waist at 3.5 inches and the hips at 3.25 inches. This is why those black jeans fit. The guys will be happy to know that the chest and ribs went down exactly the same 1.5 inches. This means the cup size stays the same, just the band size goes down.

I fully expect to hit that 30 pound mark tomorrow. I am excited.

Support Group

I attended the New Beginnings support group last Thursday. It was fantastic. Trevor Smith, who is an Exercise Physiologist was the speaker. He was great.. and good looking! I have never heard of an Exercise Physiologist before. He explained that it is someone who knows the workings of your body and how it relates to exercise. He also reaffirmed what I have thought all along but what goes against what all those little skinny kids who are called personal trainers at the gyms promote, the best way to lose fat is to exercise with weights.

I remember going to the Gold's Gym and hiring a personal trainer. She gave me this routine that was completely ridiculous. I told her that curling 2 lb weights was not how I was going to lose weight. She insisted that I wanted to tone not build muscle. I explained to her that yes I do want to build muscle as muscle burns fat. Of course, she was the "expert". Well, I decided maybe I needed a guy trainer. Someone who was interested in weight training. Nope.. he said the same thing. I gave the same response. He insisted I needed to tone not build muscle. I told him, calf pressing 50 lbs is nothing to me.. I calf press 300 lbs every day.. duh! The best personal trainer I ever had was my friend Tony. He was a body builder. A serious body builder - Olympian size body builder. He worked my ass off and was great to look at. Unfortunately, I do not know whatever happened to Tony.

The ladies at the support group who have attended Trevor's bariatric exercise class said they really liked it and that Trevor really pushes them. I could see him like a Bob from the Biggest Loser. Pushy but nice. Unfortunately, Trevor's only openings right now is in his 7 a.m. class. For those of you that know me, that's just impossible. So, I have contacted the Washington Community Center, which has a gym and a great lap pool, as well as exercise classes and of course the fun pool with the lazy river. They are having a special going on now with no enrollment fees and the first month free, then $45 a month for the entire family up to 6 members. I will be joining them soon. Actually, I am going to make a commitment to join them this week. They are also sponsoring the local radio station's Biggest Loser contest. Their trainers have experience with working out with bariatric patients and helping them to lose weight. I will look into finding one that is right for me.

Back to the support group. It is so great to attend the meeting. It is so encouraging. I hope I can make as great an impact on others as they do on me. I hope those coming to the meetings who have not received the help we have get the encouragement they need to make the right decision for them. As far as I know, the group is not closed to those only seeking surgery. I would encourage anyone who is needing help with weight loss to attend. We get great information regarding exercise, weight loss, behavioral guidance and I am sure much more. It is on the first Thursday of each month at 7 p.m. at the Health and Performance building lower level.

I want to thank all of you who support me. I love your encouragement!

What a Difference 23 lbs make - before and after shot

My friend Lanora and I have gone to a couple of dances lately. Last night I did not dance as my tummy incision was hurting, but tonight I figured I could dance like a guy .. meaning just stand there and kind of move from foot to foot. I love dancing.

Last night I just wore my same old baggy stretchy jeans and a t-shirt. Tonight as I was getting ready, I thought "Why not try on the black jeans and see how far you have come." I really did not expect them to fit, but at least be a little closer to fitting.

This was my first short-term goal. To fit into these jeans. There is nothing special about the jeans.. they are still very big jeans, BUT they didn't fit me.

So I tried them on ..and imagine my surprise when I actually was able to button and zip them. Holy cow!!

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to have had the sleeve gastrectomy!!

I am posting the after picture first as it shows as the thumbnail when I post this link. And although it may not seem that I have any pride after posting all the embarrassing things I have posted, I still can't bring myself to let the before picture be the thumbnail picture :)

This picture was taken tonight. I pulled the shirt up a bit so you could see they are zipped and buttoned!! Hooray!!



This is the before picture taken February 4, 2011 where the pants had quite a ways to go before I could button or zip them.



It seems I'm also not having any mind games the last few days. I think its because the scale is moving. I am very pleased with how things are going. I appreciate the support and encouragement I receive. It really does mean a lot to me, so if you get a chance I would love for you to post comments.

Mind Games

Hello, I'm Dwan and I am a food addict.

I have not been as sure of this as I am now. This last week has been a huge struggle. I am so grateful that I had the Sleeve Gastrectomy. This has helped me make it through this week.

These last few days I have gained weight. My mind tells me it is water weight. My body does this. I know this after all the crazy diets I have put it on, it is in major defense mode right now. My water intake has decreased, so my body is freaking out and holding onto the water it does have. I KNOW this, BUT my mind is still having a hard time with it. Fortunately, now that my stomach only holds about 4-6 ounces, I am forced to continue doing what I need to do to lose weight.

Let me give you some examples of the mind games going on this week. First day of getting the weight gain news was Sunday. Its not a huge weight gain, only 1.5 lbs. But discouraging none-the-less. All day Sunday my mind kept telling me I was hungry about every two hours. I forced myself to wait four hours before I ate. My body does not tell me I am hungry, as the hunger hormone was cut out. I do not physically feel hungry. This was completely in my mind. I know this, but I have no control over it. I have never had more empathy for my alcoholic friends before than I do now. Because I happen to be able to afford to do something about it, I am forced to not eat like my mind was telling me to. Hallelujah!!

The next day I did not lose or gain any weight, but I struggled all day with eating. This might also be because I am home and have the opportunity to eat freely. The next struggle. I make my small meal, but my mind tells me that there is no way I am going to be satisfied with that small amount of food. So I add an extra spoonful. Again I am grateful for the surgery as it prevents me from eating that extra spoonful, as I am completely full with the small portion.

Tuesday comes, my first post-op doctors appointment. I weigh in at the doctors at 290.0. This is 22 lbs less than my first appointment weight, but only 2 lbs less than my pre-op weigh in. My blood pressure was down. 136/80 I think it was. This is about average for me.

Now for the real test. I am out and I am hungry. I decide I am going to have my favorite meal at Olive Garden. Steak Gorgonzola. You might remember that this was also my last meal I had out before my pre-op diet. I tell the waitress, I know this might sound weird but since my stomach can only hold about 4 ounces, I am still going to order the entrée but I want the soup to go and the bread sticks to go and I will eat my small portion of the entrée but then I will take most of it to go as well. I ate a very very small portion of the meal, and took most of it home with me. I thought I actually did pretty well at my first attempt at eating out.

I will mention that I chew all of my food extremely well. This is something that I have attempted to do over the years, but have never really succeeded in doing. I probably chewed more than some people, but I know it wasn't as good as I should. Now I chew my food the way I should chew it. I think this will be very helpful.

When I knew I really had a problem

My kids ordered pizza. Yummy yummy pizza. I took the smallest slice. The crust was probably about 3-4 inches wide at the widest. Probably about 5-6 inches long. I knew this was bigger than my 4-6 ounces I can eat, but I figured I would eat til I was full and put the rest back. I was able to eat about half of it. This from the center towards the crust so in total less than half of the slice. But my mind told me it did not want to stop eating. I knew I would not be able to eat another bite as the last bite hurt after I ate it. This is a good sign that I am completely full. I was so determined to eat that pizza I came up with this great idea. I would chew the pizza then spit it out. This lasted two more bites, then I thought to myself "What the hell is wrong with you!!" How sick do I have to be that I would resort to this. Eating it just so I could spit it out? This is definitely an eating disorder. How is that different than eating and purging? Only difference was I spit it out before I swallowed it.

Now the weird thing is I did try to vomit earlier in the week. I ate something that disagreed with me. I heard some of the ladies saying that when they felt that uncomfortable they would just vomit. I tried. It was the weirdest feeling. Nothing came out. It was like dry heaving, except that I knew there was something there. So lesson learned. Do not eat anything that will disagree with you as you will have to suffer the time it takes for it to digest on its own. I mention this to the doctor and he said in time I will be able to vomit. Not that I would want to vomit, just that I would like to know that if I needed to I could. Of course, my mind went right to ingesting poison. What if somehow I ingested poison but couldn't vomit? This has never happened to me in 44 years that I know of, but somehow this is a concern for me now. How is this logical?

One other thing I noticed that I do not like. I burp a lot. This is very unladylike. I am not sure why, but when I eat, as soon as it hits my stomach it produces gas. This is something that has happened right from the beginning and happens when I drink water as well. I am not sure if this will go away after awhile or if its something I am just going to have to live with.

Good news for today. The scale did move. Not much but I am ok with that. I am just glad it moved down. I figured it was because yesterday was the first day I actually left the house. The inside incision (not the stomach but the one in the muscle) still hurts a little. I worried about driving, but seem to do ok with it yesterday and today. Today was also my first day back at work. I am only working part time in the afternoon, which works out perfectly for me.

Bad news for today. A client came in and we were talking about just coming back to work after surgery and she mentioned that she got a tummy tuck a few years back and would never do it again as she was in so much pain after the surgery. I figured it would have to be painful and figured it could muster through it, but she said it pained her for 2-3 weeks. This is scary for me. OH well .. we will see what happens in the next couple of years, maybe they will come up with something new!

God has blessed me with giving me a way to physically deal with these mind games. Now I just need to figure out how to mentally deal with them.

Love to all of you who support me in my journey!

Confession Time

This is very difficult to write about. I have been so open about everything, some think too open, but this is something I am having difficulty talking about, let alone share it with others. I feel ashamed. As I sit here and self-analyze myself, I am not quite sure why I feel ashamed, but I do. I have learned over the years that I have feelings that do not necessarily have any logical backing, but have just accepted I have them and move on. I also expect that if you are my friend, and you accept me you will also have to accept some of my illogical feelings.

My last posting I talked about the thoughts of cheating and the encouragements I received from the Support Group to help me decide not to cheat. So what happened....

Super Bowl Sunday and my eldest son's birthday happened to fall on the same day this year. I invited all my kids, my grandson and my ex-husband over to watch the game and share in a birthday cake for George. I knew that we were going to have some finger foods and pizza for the game and a chocolate cake at half time for the birthday. I decided that I would make a completely fat-free spinach ranch dip that I could have to compensate for not eating the other food. I had whole wheat crackers. Counted them out so that I only had 2 servings which would give me 5g of fat. This is pretty similar to a shake so I figured it would be ok to have. This dip was a big hit with the family. No problem. I don't feel bad or guilty for eating this.

Then the pizza came. Pizza Hut's big dipper. At first I tried to hide the fact that I took a bite of the pizza. I knew that my kids would be very disappointed in me. I knew they would try to prevent me from eating it, but I wanted it. My desire for the food was more than my desire to please my kids. By the second piece of pizza, I didn't hide it. Some how .. some way I made a rationalization in my brain that I could eat some of it, but if I purged it right afterwards it wouldn't count. This thought process continued with the cake. When I put the piece of cake on my plate my other son told me, "Mom, you are not suppose to eat that." I said "I know Bobby, but I am going to eat this piece of cake." This said in a tone of voice of "do not question what I am doing right now". I also rationalized that two slices of the big dipper was a lot smaller than two regular slices of a pizza I would have normally ate, so I was making a difference.

I know of a couple of people who cheated on their two-week liquid protein diet and did fine during the surgery. As I was eating the second slice of pizza and could taste all the fat in the cheese, pepperoni, and crust, I started to panic. That's when the purging idea manifested. I will finish this second piece and then I will just purge it, that way it won't count. This actually seemed like a good idea, good enough in fact that I figured if it worked for the pizza it would work for the piece of cake.

So where are these feelings of shame coming from? I actually told my son Bobby later, that he didn't have to worry about me as I purged everything so it was not in my system. He didn't really respond and my mind started chattering .. What the hell was I thinking?? Does this make it ok?? This thought process is pretty sick. Does my son really want to know that somehow I rationalized the cheating by purging it?

I am ashamed I cheated. I am ashamed I purged. Double whammy!

There is really nothing I can do about it now, except to move on. I have two days left of this diet and today I drank my shakes and my water. I did not cheat, but the weird thing is that even though I felt bad about this all day, the same thought popped into my head when I walked in the door. Could I eat something and then purge it? I wasn't even hungry. Fortunately, my logical mind took over immediately after that illogical thought popped in.

I am addicted to eating. Maybe I will look into Overeaters Anonymous.

I didn't weigh myself today, as I had to get up early for work and I was all bloated from messing my system up with the purging and didn't want any more bad news. I also stopped taking the water pill yesterday and I know that causes water gain. Maybe tomorrow.

I appreciate everyone's support and encouragement. I am sorry if I disappointed you.

Why I Fail at Diets - Its Been One Week

So I have been on this liquid diet for one week. They say it gets easier, but I do not think so. I am still freakin' starving my ass off every single day. Then the last few days there has been no movement on the scale. I have lost a total of 8.2 lbs in this first week.

This may sound like a good weight loss. Some of you may think, "Why is she disappointed?" Well, I am. And this is probably the biggest reason I fail at diets. This is also the reason I need to get this surgery. After four days of starving myself, I plateaued. Yea yea I know all the reasons. My body went into starvation mode. This said very sarcastically. Because I really do not care that it went into starvation mode, I want the scale to freakin' move. Now I say freakin' on here to keep it PG, but trust me my mind is saying the other word. According to the boys' scale (I call it my BMI scale) I have only lost 5 lbs. Are you freakin' kidding me??

It's not worth it! And that is why I fail. There is no way in hell I would have stuck to the diet with so little weight loss in the first week. Can you tell I am a little grumpy? Just be glad you are not my kids or my ex-husband.

Don't worry. I will be sticking to this stupid liquid diet for the next week as I do not want to risk any injury to my liver. I still look forward to losing all this weight, and I know without a doubt that I need this weight loss surgery to get me there.

I have also come to a decision about posting before pictures. I sometimes sit and watch my screen saver go through all the photos on my laptop. Most of you reading this blog have seen me and know what I look like. So why am I afraid of posting a picture up here? Because then I (the "I" said with a lot of emphasis) have to see what I look like. I look at those pictures, and I don't really believe that I look like that. After forcing myself to look at the pictures as they scroll by, I realized I need to post these pictures just as I need to write this blog. To motivate me. To give me the reason I am sticking to this stupid diet. To justify why I am spending all this money on this surgery.

Since I have been this weight for a very long time, I do not have any clothes from when I was thinner. I do have some clothes I can wear during the first 40 lbs of weight loss, but nothing beyond that except for ... my 49ers varsity jacket. I have had this jacket for 25 years. I have not been able to wear it for at least 20 of those years if not more. For some reason I have kept it. I think I figured I would give it to one of my kids, and I would have but none of my kids want it. :) We took it out of the closet last night and dusted it off. I took a picture of it on me, then a picture of it on my daughter. This way I have something to use as a guiding image. My daughter is wearing a thick jacket under the 49er jacket. I want to be able to wear a thick jacket under my 49er jacket and still have it fit as loosely as it does on her.

Ok .. here it is.. the big reveal:



This is my daughter and how I want to look:



I really do appreciate all the support I receive from family and friends. I really appreciate my kids who deal with my moods when I am starving, and then deal with my disappointments on the scale.

I am a brilliant vibrant woman!

It's Official, I Am No Longer A SSBBW!!

I gave hint to my weight several posts ago by saying I was considered a SSBBW. You have to be over 300 lbs to be considered SSBBW. Well I have broken the 300 lb mark!! How many of you are excited to see a 2 start out your weight digits?? There are only a select few of us.

I am glad I am forced into doing this liquid diet because last night I would have totally gone off of it. I went out with my girlfriend to a singles dance that is put on by the predominant religion here in Utah. It is a great place to have some good clean fun. I had one of my shakes right before going in so I thought I would be ok. I drank lots of water while I was there, but I was still starving after just a few minutes of going in. After about two hours, my stomach was rumbling extravagantly. They always have finger foods at the dances, but last night was a dessert contest. I would have never passed up taking at least a few pieces before even if I was on a diet, let alone being starving. Some how some way I made it through. My girlfriend Lanora was quite supportive. When she ate, she ate away from me. That was very sweet of her. I have noticed the smells of food are much stronger right now. Maybe part of being able to stick to this diet is knowing that I can eat again real soon. It will be much different eating for me, but at least I know there is an end to this soon.

I have a lot of weight to lose so when I start a diet, I have to figure I am going to be on this diet for years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I usually put a short term goal, such as 50 lbs or even 20 lbs, but I still know there isn't a close end. In the end, I figure it is not worth the pain and denial of yummy food to be thin. I have analyzed this for the last few days. How is it I am able to deny myself eating when I am so hungry? This is new behavior for me.

I Had A Dream!

I had a dream yesterday morning just before I woke up. I don't remember who the other people were in the dream, but they offered me food and soda the scoundrels! I started eating the food and drinking the soda. In the dream I felt disappointed in myself for eating the food but it did not stop me. This is very typical behavior for me. My poor children, who have always tried to be supportive of my past weight loss attempts, also became disappointed in me every time I went off my diets. I remember having a contest with a guy I was dating a few years ago. "Beat the addiction" He was going to stop drinking alcohol and I was going to stop eating extra carbs. The bet was $100. I didn't fess up to losing right away, but I remember that when I gave him the $100, instead of being happy he won the money, he was very disappointed that I gave up. Disappointment is hard to live down so when I woke up from the dream I was relieved and said out loud, "Thank God! It was only a dream!" I reassured myself I did NOT go off my diet. I find it totally weird how messed up this weight has made me.

What A Difference An Angle Makes!

I am going to post two pictures that I took yesterday. Both were taken within minutes of each other, but probably explains why I have such a skewed picture in my mind of what I look like. I see myself as the first picture. Yes I look overweight, but not as overweight as I really am.



This next picture is what others see, but I refuse to see. If its in the mirror, I refuse to see it. I look at specific things in the mirror, not the whole picture. When it does pop out, such as when I see myself reflected in the window as I am walking to my car or pass a mirror, I look away. When those pictures of me show up on my screen saver that I do not delete because I think they will make great "before" pictures, I shake my head in disgust. My thoughts run bi-polar. I am disgusted with myself. I know I am a great person. This body does not show who I really am. This is what others see, and even this picture does not show the whole picture.



I, very much, am looking forward to bringing my body into alignment with my personality. I am an outgoing vibrant and brilliant woman. If you came here through my Facebook link, you might notice that I only posted the former picture on there. You will also notice that most of the picture I posted on there are taken from a downward angle and I am looking to the side. I still refuse to post any of my real fat pictures on there. I probably wont ever post those pictures on there. So only the very few who read the blog will ever see any of my "fat" pictures.

My current weight: 299.0 Total weight loss since January 26th (3 days): 6.8 lbs

I am on my way!

Today is the last day of my old life!

Tomorrow starts a whole new life for me. I start my two week liquid protein diet. So you know what I did today right? Thats right! I went to Olive Garden and had my favorite meal. I had the Zuppa Tuscana which is a sausage and potato soup then Steak Gorgonzola with angel hair pasta as an entrée. I will say that I shared this dish with my son George and still had some left over, but yum yum yummy! After we were done eating the entrée both George and I were full, but now comes the difference between skinny people eating habits and fat people eating habits, I asked him if he wanted dessert. He says, "No I am full." Hmmmm well so am I, but I am still going to have dessert! We ordered .. haha I say "we" .. the three shots of dessert. He ate one of them and I ate the other two. What the hell, I am not going to be able to eat those again so why not, right? It's four hours later and I am still extremely full.

After lunch, I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Typically this is done just a few days before surgery, not two weeks. But who am I to wait? I haven't done anything else on their schedule. I will be doing the two week liquid protein diet on their schedule however. From now on I will be calling it Glucerna Diet. I will be drinking six 8-ounce bottles of Glucerna a day for two weeks. This is to reduce the fat in the liver, so that the surgeons can easily move it out of the way to get to the stomach during surgery. If the liver if fatty, it is very soft and can be easily damaged.

I got weighed in. I am glad I got weighed in after having a huge lunch and before I started my Glucerna diet. This way I will have an accurate weight loss. Well, maybe not accurate, but at least that first weigh-in will feel really, really good. My blood pressure was a little high 166/82. I think it's to be expected after eating that huge meal, then add on top of that my anxiety. I am still not ready to divulge my weight. Maybe after my first or second weigh-in post op. We will see.

I did not spend much time with the surgeon. Well, maybe 20 minutes, so that could be a fair amount of time. He went over the risks involved and answered any questions I had. I had two questions. One - after cutting out 85% of my stomach, will my stomach still produce acid to digest my food. He said that they now leave a small pouch at the bottom of the stomach (he drew me a picture on the white paper they use to cover the examining chairs) that allows the stomach to produce stomach acid. This is great news. I was thinking about that the other day. What if my stomach doesn't produce stomach acid anymore. Will the food go undigested? Second question was about the anesthesia. He said what every one else said which is I will be talking to the anesthesiologist before surgery and I was to explain to him my fears and concerns so he could take care of them.

Then comes the paperwork with the nurses. Getting registered. I am officially registered to have surgery February 9th. I have to fast that day. Um.. am I not going to be fasting for two weeks before the surgery?? I guess I can't even have the Glucerna. The pre-op nurse will call me a day or two before and will tell me specifically what I need to do and drink and not drink etc.

Here's your sign! During this paperwork, the nurse asked me if I was allergic to latex. I said I think I have a sensitivity to it but, I do not know if I am allergic to it. She said, "So this wasn't fatal or anything right?" Um?? I just looked at her and raised my eyebrows and gave her that look that said "HUH?!?" After staring at her for a few seconds, I chuckled and said "No, not fatal, I am still here, I am just sensitive to it." In my mind I was thinking "Damn I need to blog about this!"

After all the paperwork comes the payments. The break-down for self-pay patients is:

• Hospital $7,500 (This covers up to $15,000 worth of hospital care)
• Anesthesia $ 977
• Surgeon $5,340

This comes to a total of $13, 817. This is about $5k-7k less than it cost about six years ago when I was looking into it. This does not include the $300 for the psych evaluation nor the $100 for the nutritionist evaluation. I am not going to include the primary care physician or lab work done as I had that done for myself. The lab work would have been included in the surgeon fee, if I would have waited.

I am excited! I am not even worried about doing the two week Glucerna diet. We will see how tomorrow goes. I know my kids will be supportive. I am glad I switched shifts at work. I am not a morning person, so I get to sleep in and do not have to be to work until 1 p.m.!! I think this will help significantly.

I have decided I am not going to have any friends or family at the hospital while I am having the surgery. I do not see any reason to have people just wait around for hours while I am having the surgery. I am especially not interested in seeing anyone after I wake up and not feeling good. When I feel up to calling them, then they can come see me. Its not like they can bring me food or anything. I plan to wake up slowly and ask for lots of drugs afterwards then do some good snoozing. I will make more definite plans after I know more of the timing.

It's not fear it's excitement!!

Is it the moon?

I have noticed lately that I am being emotional. More so than usual. I have been irritable. Sometimes flat out bitchy and my kids would agree a little unreasonable in my anger. Is it the moon? Is it tax season? Or is it this life changing decision I am making? I am not sure, but have to laugh at these "vitamins" my oldest son George gave me today. They are called "Happy Hour" and tout to relieve "employment stress". I thought they were a joke, but he says he purchased them at GNC. Is he giving me a silent message? No matter, it was sweet of him to think of me. I love my kids, and I know that they will be very very supportive during this ordeal. Not once complaining about the money I am spending on this surgery. Not even Carlos who always complains about every penny I spend! Ok that was a slight exaggeration, but I swear that kid is going to be extremely rich someday with his penny pinching.

Today I was talking to a co-worker/friend. I told her about my exciting news of the upcoming surgery. For some reason I brought up some thoughts I was having. I told her I was going to have to blog about this.

In the past, when I am starting a new diet, I always tell myself, "This time next year I will be ..." "In two months I will be ... " "By Christmas I will be ..." and every single time I have disappointed myself. Now here I am getting this surgery, with almost guaranteed results (average weight loss is 70-80% of excess weight) and I am doing the same thing, "By my birthday I will be 50lbs lighter" "This time next year I will be 100lbs lighter" but in reality I am not believing myself. I have said these things so many times in the past and have failed that even with almost guaranteed success facing me I am still doubting myself.

I think I might be doubting myself a little more these days as I am on this test diet and doing ok, but not being perfect on it. I feel myself wondering if I am going to be disappointed when I weigh myself in the morning.

I self-analyze A LOT. I am sure this causes me a lot of stress as well. I come up with all these questions I just do not have answers for.

I chatted with a friend today who once told me "If you do not like being fat, Dwan, why don't you do something about it?" I remembering telling him I can't. I have tried and failed many many many many times. Today I was able to tell him "I am doing something about it!" He seemed to be happy for me, but as a few other guys have asked. "Will you lose your boobs?" Funny thing is I would be perfectly happy being a C cup. I am not sure I can possibly get down to a C cup, but if I were I would be ok with it. To be able to shop at Victoria Secrets and buy something that fits me would be a dream.

Interestingly, even as I write this the little thoughts of failure pop into the back of my brain and work themselves forward. How many times did I start a diet and know I was going to succeed. I have another blog under this profile titled "I will be thin!" This is just another attempt at losing weight and failing. I start all positive and give up after the first hurtle. Fortunately, there is no giving up. Once that stomach is gone its gone for good. I am having the one surgery that is not reversible.

I will end all this melancholy blathering with an embarrassing and gross fat story. I have thought of this story over the years but have not told anyone about it. I was talking to my girlfriend Kerri this morning. I was talking about how the gastric bypass has the dumping syndrome, which I believe is where you have uncontrollable poop if you eat too much sugar. It reminds me of my experience with Xenical. I told Kerri I never told this story because it was too embarrassing and just plain out gross. She told me I had to tell the story. So here it is:

Back on one of my diets, I was seeing what I call a "fat doctor". She was a bariatric doctor and helped people to lose weight with monitoring and lots of pills. One of those pills was Xenical. Xenical is a fat blocker. When you eat fat, it takes the fat and forces it out when you poop. It turns it very oily. You can see the oil just floating on the water of the toilet bowl. If you eat alot of fat, you need to be very careful. Its like diarrhea. You definitely do NOT want to fart. This is just background information and not the story. It gets way worse. UG.. maybe I am just stalling!!

I was in San Diego on business. We always go out for good food while in San Diego. I knew it was pretty fatty so I popped a Xenical that night. The next morning, I was taking my long leisurely bath, reading my book when I got a phone call. I sat up to reach for the phone, and found that the pressure of sitting up must have let loose because next thing I know I am sitting in a bathtub full of water with all this oily substance floating in it. Holy cow! I jumped up as I was totally disgusted, but got even more disgusted when it was all over my body and then dripping all over the bathroom floor. It was horrible!! I don't even remember who I was talking to, but I got off the phone quickly. Fortunately, there were tons of extra towels in the bathroom. I, of course didn't want the maid to see all of this so wiped it all up, cleaned out the bathtub, and was fortunate enough to have a towel left over to dry myself after my shower. I have never told anyone this story, so why not tell the whole world?? Needless to say I did not take the Xenical ever again.

All scheduled and ready to go!!!

I am on my final steps to my new life.

First. As of January 17, 2011 (my youngest son's 16th birthday), I am no longer drinking carbonated drinks. I am a major Coca Cola addict. Carbonated drinks are on the no-no list after having weight loss surgery. When your stomach can only hold 2 ounces, they do not want you filling it up with carbonation as it becomes painful. Personally, I have known that Coke has been a big downfall of mine. It keeps me dehydrated and full of useless calories. Good side is I am drinking more water.

Second. At this same time I started testing out the liquid diet. I chose Glucerna protein shakes over Slimfast as it has tons less sugar. When you go on the liquid diet you get 6 shakes a day. You can add some clear broth, sugar free jello, and sugar free popsicles. My testing diet is making me a little scared. My mind is saying "If I could do this I would be skinny already!" Right now I am having 2 shakes and one meal. Now if my meal was an appropriate meal I would be losing weight, but as I am starving by the time I get to my meal, it is definitely NOT appropriate. I have noticed though that I am eating a lot less. I am not cleaning my plate. So possibly my theory on doing the testing diet first to shrink my stomach so that when I do go on the all liquid diet it will be easier, might just work.

I am still having some major anxiety over the anesthesia. I might have mentioned that after the last surgery I had back in 1999, I got really sick and they prescribed anti-nausea meds which I then had an allergic reaction to and ended up having severe panic attacks for 3 years. Dr. Joe gave me some Clonazepam. I haven't taken it during the day yet, but holy cow does it help me sleep good. Andi, who I talk about in a few paragraphs, gave me the numbers to the anesthesia office so I can call them and talk to them about my concerns.

Third. I went to the weight loss surgery seminar last night. Most people do this first, then get the psych eval and nutritional eval. I didn't learn much there as I had already read everything they had on their web-site, as well as watched several YouTube videos, read blogs, etc., but I got to check it off my list. It was nice to meet three ladies who had weight loss surgery who have lost a ton of weight. They brought before photos. It was amazing. They looked great!

Everything on my check list is checked off so I got to start on the things that are not on my check list. My friend who just got the gastric bypass knew that I needed to take a pre-bariatric surgery class and signed me up for the class given this morning. They told me that you usually do not take this class until after you have scheduled your surgery. So on my way to class, I called the surgeons office and made it official. I am schedule for surgery. Well sort of. I am scheduled for sometime between February 9 - 12. On one of those days, I will be having my surgery. Wooohooo!! This is directly after "first peak" of tax season. I have let them know at work that I plan to be gone from that day until I feel better or around two weeks.

But back to the class. This class was actually very informative and it was FREE!! A nurse from the hospital bariatrics division ran it. Her name is Andi. Very very sweet lady. She explained what the procedures were. When to start the liquid protein diet. She talked about what we can eat right after the surgery, what to eat for the next several weeks after the surgery. She talked about exercise. She talked about all kinds of things and answered all our questions. She also had the LapBand surgery so has some personal experience. She took pictures of us.

There was myself and another lady there who brought her husband who was a riot. I would guess the husband was late 60s. A former navy guy originally from Massachusetts. Before I got there the wife complained about the seats having arms as they dug into your legs. After I sat down they brought her a "bariatric" chair. It was much wider. The husband said I should get one because the chair arms were also digging into the sides of my legs. I chose not to. The man obviously used to know what was best for everyone insisted that I get the larger chair. I looked at him did an exaggerated crossing of my arms and gave him a "hmmmpf". He looked at me with some shock in his eyes and I started laughing and said "I guess you met your match in stubbornness buddy." We became instant friends. He personifies what I love about New Englanders. They tell you how it is. No sugar coating it at all. He kept me laughing throughout the class.

I have a meeting with the surgeon on January 25th. I start my liquid protein diet on January 26th. Hopefully I will be so busy doing taxes I do not notice the hunger. I will get a call sometime before the surgery telling me who to pay when. Then D day or should I say S day! I am hoping I can get in on February 9th! There was only one other surgery I was excited for. My tubal ligation! After having four children in less than four years, I was excited to get it stopped. I have to say, this seems to be more exciting. I am not scared about having a stomach that can only hold up to four ounces for the rest of my life. This is going to help me continue to make good choices through out my life so that I can maintain a healthy weight.

My new buddy from class helped me determine my goal weight. He said.. How much did you weight when you graduated high school. I said 135. He said .. there ya go. Thats your goal weight. Perfect!! That was the weight I had in mind, but all these charts still insist that I will be overweight. I am completely satisfied with 135lbs being my goal weight!

Maybe on S day I will divulge my weight and how many pounds it will take to get to my goal weight. Right now my short term goal is to lose 50lbs by my birthday in May. I know I can do it!!

More embarrassing stories of being fat .. TMI

I know there are a couple of people who read this. I post it on my Facebook page each time I make an entry. Some may think.. woah.. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I agree. BUT the purpose of this blog is for me to journal my process. Its difficult knowing that anyone in the world can see my most personal stories, but maybe someone will see it and relate. I have started other blogs about weight loss, but this is the first time I have committed to writing all my secrets about being fat hoping that it will keep me motivated along the way.

This morning I was sitting at the table (this set is actually my daughters). The table is a tall table with wooden bar stool height chairs. I am 5 foot even. I do not like bar stool height chairs. After eating breakfast which consisted of left over Olive Garden steak garganzola .. mmm .. my favorite dish there, I went to push the chair back to get down and I heard it creak. It immediately brought up a very embarrassing moment that happened about 8 or 9 years ago.

I was in Jamaica on a business trip. I have was having breakfast or lunch (I do not remember which meal it was) with two friends who I also happen to work with. Ken and Jay Kay. Its beautiful weather there in Jamaica so we were eating outside of the hotel's restaurant. Even though it was a pretty nice place, I guess because of the rain/storms they have the furniture outside consisted of plastic table and chairs. The type you can get from WalMart during the spring time for $50 for the whole set. (Maybe I am exaggerating the cheapness of it just a little.) We were seated. We were looking at the menu and all of the sudden the legs of my chair gave out. You would think we were in a slapstick comedy. All four legs went out in four directions. I landed on my ass. I started laughing out of embarrassment or just the funniness of it, I am not sure .. maybe both. We all sat there for a second a little stunned. Then Ken and Jay jumped up to help me up. It is of course very difficult when you are my size to get up from an awkward position as that. Its almost easier if no one helps you and you roll over onto your hands and knees, but how do you tell someone that? Well I finally get up and the waitress comes over with her quick fix. They double up the chairs. HAHAHA it still makes me laugh at how being so very fat needs these types of accommodations.

There is a story I feel sad about. It doesn't have any part that makes me smile or chuckle. I took my two oldest children to the park that was about three very long blocks from my house. They were about 2 and 3 at the time. My daughter was playing on the jungle gym and went to reach for the bar, but fell onto the hard packed red dirt. She hit the ground hard enough to give her a concussion. This was before cell phones. No one else was at the park. I had to carry her while holding my 2 year old son's hand. I remember getting about a block when I couldn't carry her anymore. I tried to have her walk, but she couldn't walk straight. Even holding her hand, she couldn't walk straight. I felt absolutely miserable. What could I do? I couldn't leave my son by himself. It took me forever to make those three blocks. I thought I was going to die. I am pretty sure I was balling by the time I made it through the door. Poor Manuel didn't know what was wrong. He thought I was in the one in need of medical attention. How horrible I remember feeling, but here that child is almost 20 years old with a son of her own and I am even more out of shape then I was then.

I was talking to my ex-husband last night. I told him that I was going to get the Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery done. He was very against it. Said it was too dangerous blah blah blah. It reminded me of how big a sabotager he was to my losing weight. When I met him I weighed 135 lbs. I wore a size 7 jeans. After moving in with him, unbeknownst to me I started gaining weight. Here it is 25 years later and it still makes me chuckle when I first found out I was gaining weight.

A few months after we were living together, Manuel wanted to go out dancing. I was excited as all I had been doing prior to this was staying home in sweats day and night. I got out my dancing duds out, and put them on. Well Manuel always did the laundry so I had every reason to blame him for it. My clothes had SHRUNK!! Boy was I mad. I couldn't believe he shrunk my favorite dancing outfit that consisted of a mini skirt and a half shirt. (Remember this was in the 80's.) After hearing me complain to him about shrinking my outfit for about 20 minutes, he turned to me and said, "Um Dwan.. have you .. um.. stepped on a .. um .. scale lately?" WTF??? What are you talking about??? He says he did not shrink my clothes, but that I had gained weight. I couldn't believe that I was so unaware of myself gaining weight. How could I not see that?? How very very dangerous it is to wear only sweat pants! Manuel will never ever admit to this, but I know he felt better when I was heavier. There was not a single time that I tried to lose weight that he did not deliberately sabotage my diet.

I was wasting my money on NutriSystems' nasty ass food but sticking to it, when he says "Let's go have a burrito down at 16th and Valencia." Knowing damn well I LOVED those burritos. I was wasting my money on a doctor supervised OptiFast liquid diet losing lots of weight, when all of the sudden we HAD to go try out this new Italian restaurant down in the North Beach District which offered 7 course meals. We never went out for Italian.. ever. I was wasting my money when I went to see a hypnotist who helped me stop drinking Coke and helped me with other bad eating habits, when low and behold the man who NEVER drank Coke had to have a twelve pack in the fridge at all times. Just have one Dwan it won't hurt. Just like a drug dealer!! Those were just the big deliberate sabotages I remember. There were countless little ones.

I would totally love to blame Manuel for me being as fat as I am, but even with all the temptations, I could have said no, but I didn't. I also would like to blame genetics for being so fat. I would say that 90% of my family is at some level overweight. There are many who are obese. A couple who are morbidly obese. This on both sides of my family. I still have a choice to eat the way I do.

I am not one of those people who eats 2 lbs of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a loaf of bread in one sitting. Manuel used to tell me, "I have no idea how you gain weight when you eat less than half of what I do." I think its a combination of eating the wrong foods and moving the least amount possible.

I once read a study on the difference of movement between skinny (if you are under 35 BMI you are skinny to me) and fat people. One statement said when a skinny (not their term, but that was my filter) makes a bed they use many more movements than an obese person. A skinny person will pull up the sheet on one side then go to the other side to pull up the sheet. They will then pull up the blanket on one side then move to the other side and pull up the blanket etc. An obese person will fully make the bed on one side then move to the other side and finish the bed. A skinny person makes 20 moves to make a bed and an obese person makes 2-3 moves. Guess what? I make the bed like an obese person. Who would think that something so simple would be so telling? A skinny person will make several trips from the car with groceries. An obese person will load up with every single possible bag they can get in their arms, fingers, pinkies even and try to get everything in with only one trip. Once in the house they will probably ask someone else to get the rest if there are any left in the car.

I once had a vegan (Someone who doesn't eat any animal products at all) tell me if I became a vegan it would be impossible to eat more than 1800 calories in a day. Wanna bet?? I knew I could, I started imagining all the stuff I could eat that didn't have animal products but were fattening. Our great country has come up with all kinds of substitutes.

I remember watching Roseanne's talk show once. She talked about how SlimFast had asked her to go on their diet. They would give her all the products and pay her. She said "Hell yeah!" They delivered her a truck load of the SlimFast products: shakes in every flavor and cases and cases of the snack bars. She said they tasted GREAT! The snack bars that were suppose last her a year were gone in a week. Now she thinks like an obese person!! I thought.. hell yeah I would have done the same thing!!

I know I need some changes in my behaviors as well as my eating habits. I know my children will be completely supportive in my new endeavor. I am excited and can't wait! Well actually I can wait I guess otherwise I would be starting these new behaviors now instead of waiting until D day.