This is very difficult to write about. I have been so open about everything, some think too open, but this is something I am having difficulty talking about, let alone share it with others. I feel ashamed. As I sit here and self-analyze myself, I am not quite sure why I feel ashamed, but I do. I have learned over the years that I have feelings that do not necessarily have any logical backing, but have just accepted I have them and move on. I also expect that if you are my friend, and you accept me you will also have to accept some of my illogical feelings.
My last posting I talked about the thoughts of cheating and the encouragements I received from the Support Group to help me decide not to cheat. So what happened....
Super Bowl Sunday and my eldest son's birthday happened to fall on the same day this year. I invited all my kids, my grandson and my ex-husband over to watch the game and share in a birthday cake for George. I knew that we were going to have some finger foods and pizza for the game and a chocolate cake at half time for the birthday. I decided that I would make a completely fat-free spinach ranch dip that I could have to compensate for not eating the other food. I had whole wheat crackers. Counted them out so that I only had 2 servings which would give me 5g of fat. This is pretty similar to a shake so I figured it would be ok to have. This dip was a big hit with the family. No problem. I don't feel bad or guilty for eating this.
Then the pizza came. Pizza Hut's big dipper. At first I tried to hide the fact that I took a bite of the pizza. I knew that my kids would be very disappointed in me. I knew they would try to prevent me from eating it, but I wanted it. My desire for the food was more than my desire to please my kids. By the second piece of pizza, I didn't hide it. Some how .. some way I made a rationalization in my brain that I could eat some of it, but if I purged it right afterwards it wouldn't count. This thought process continued with the cake. When I put the piece of cake on my plate my other son told me, "Mom, you are not suppose to eat that." I said "I know Bobby, but I am going to eat this piece of cake." This said in a tone of voice of "do not question what I am doing right now". I also rationalized that two slices of the big dipper was a lot smaller than two regular slices of a pizza I would have normally ate, so I was making a difference.
I know of a couple of people who cheated on their two-week liquid protein diet and did fine during the surgery. As I was eating the second slice of pizza and could taste all the fat in the cheese, pepperoni, and crust, I started to panic. That's when the purging idea manifested. I will finish this second piece and then I will just purge it, that way it won't count. This actually seemed like a good idea, good enough in fact that I figured if it worked for the pizza it would work for the piece of cake.
So where are these feelings of shame coming from? I actually told my son Bobby later, that he didn't have to worry about me as I purged everything so it was not in my system. He didn't really respond and my mind started chattering .. What the hell was I thinking?? Does this make it ok?? This thought process is pretty sick. Does my son really want to know that somehow I rationalized the cheating by purging it?
I am ashamed I cheated. I am ashamed I purged. Double whammy!
There is really nothing I can do about it now, except to move on. I have two days left of this diet and today I drank my shakes and my water. I did not cheat, but the weird thing is that even though I felt bad about this all day, the same thought popped into my head when I walked in the door. Could I eat something and then purge it? I wasn't even hungry. Fortunately, my logical mind took over immediately after that illogical thought popped in.
I am addicted to eating. Maybe I will look into Overeaters Anonymous.
I didn't weigh myself today, as I had to get up early for work and I was all bloated from messing my system up with the purging and didn't want any more bad news. I also stopped taking the water pill yesterday and I know that causes water gain. Maybe tomorrow.
I appreciate everyone's support and encouragement. I am sorry if I disappointed you.