It's Official, I Am No Longer A SSBBW!!

I gave hint to my weight several posts ago by saying I was considered a SSBBW. You have to be over 300 lbs to be considered SSBBW. Well I have broken the 300 lb mark!! How many of you are excited to see a 2 start out your weight digits?? There are only a select few of us.

I am glad I am forced into doing this liquid diet because last night I would have totally gone off of it. I went out with my girlfriend to a singles dance that is put on by the predominant religion here in Utah. It is a great place to have some good clean fun. I had one of my shakes right before going in so I thought I would be ok. I drank lots of water while I was there, but I was still starving after just a few minutes of going in. After about two hours, my stomach was rumbling extravagantly. They always have finger foods at the dances, but last night was a dessert contest. I would have never passed up taking at least a few pieces before even if I was on a diet, let alone being starving. Some how some way I made it through. My girlfriend Lanora was quite supportive. When she ate, she ate away from me. That was very sweet of her. I have noticed the smells of food are much stronger right now. Maybe part of being able to stick to this diet is knowing that I can eat again real soon. It will be much different eating for me, but at least I know there is an end to this soon.

I have a lot of weight to lose so when I start a diet, I have to figure I am going to be on this diet for years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I usually put a short term goal, such as 50 lbs or even 20 lbs, but I still know there isn't a close end. In the end, I figure it is not worth the pain and denial of yummy food to be thin. I have analyzed this for the last few days. How is it I am able to deny myself eating when I am so hungry? This is new behavior for me.

I Had A Dream!

I had a dream yesterday morning just before I woke up. I don't remember who the other people were in the dream, but they offered me food and soda the scoundrels! I started eating the food and drinking the soda. In the dream I felt disappointed in myself for eating the food but it did not stop me. This is very typical behavior for me. My poor children, who have always tried to be supportive of my past weight loss attempts, also became disappointed in me every time I went off my diets. I remember having a contest with a guy I was dating a few years ago. "Beat the addiction" He was going to stop drinking alcohol and I was going to stop eating extra carbs. The bet was $100. I didn't fess up to losing right away, but I remember that when I gave him the $100, instead of being happy he won the money, he was very disappointed that I gave up. Disappointment is hard to live down so when I woke up from the dream I was relieved and said out loud, "Thank God! It was only a dream!" I reassured myself I did NOT go off my diet. I find it totally weird how messed up this weight has made me.

What A Difference An Angle Makes!

I am going to post two pictures that I took yesterday. Both were taken within minutes of each other, but probably explains why I have such a skewed picture in my mind of what I look like. I see myself as the first picture. Yes I look overweight, but not as overweight as I really am.



This next picture is what others see, but I refuse to see. If its in the mirror, I refuse to see it. I look at specific things in the mirror, not the whole picture. When it does pop out, such as when I see myself reflected in the window as I am walking to my car or pass a mirror, I look away. When those pictures of me show up on my screen saver that I do not delete because I think they will make great "before" pictures, I shake my head in disgust. My thoughts run bi-polar. I am disgusted with myself. I know I am a great person. This body does not show who I really am. This is what others see, and even this picture does not show the whole picture.



I, very much, am looking forward to bringing my body into alignment with my personality. I am an outgoing vibrant and brilliant woman. If you came here through my Facebook link, you might notice that I only posted the former picture on there. You will also notice that most of the picture I posted on there are taken from a downward angle and I am looking to the side. I still refuse to post any of my real fat pictures on there. I probably wont ever post those pictures on there. So only the very few who read the blog will ever see any of my "fat" pictures.

My current weight: 299.0 Total weight loss since January 26th (3 days): 6.8 lbs

I am on my way!

The first day of my new life

I made it through my first day!!

This was also the first day I got to sleep in but I forgot to turn off my alarm so I woke up at 7:15.. not a great start. But it was the first day of my new life so up I get.

I love making Excel charts to track my weight loss so after my weigh-in, I set up my spreadsheet. Of course all I have to do is copy my old spreadsheet, as I have several of them. I have learned some new tricks from taking an Excel class last fall, so now the equations are bigger and better. I also have two scales to track.

I first purchased the Weight Watcher scale. It's good looking, but purchased it because it can handle up to 400 lbs and measures weight in .1 pound increments. Every little bit helps. No I am not up near the 400 lb range, but I figured if it can handle that it will be more accurate. My next trip through Costco I found a more interesting scale. This one calculates weight, body fat percentage, water percentage, muscle percentage, body mass index (BMI) and how many calories you need to eat to maintain that weight according to the activity code you put in. I have never really believed that those little metal things, whether handheld or step on, can really track your BMI etc. I think they work just like the little piece of paper I have that tracks weight versus height. I originally thought I would return the Weight Watcher scale, but decided I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of going through the steps to weigh myself each day with this one, so I kept the Weight Watchers scale in my bathroom and showed the boys how cool the other scale was so they would keep it in their bathroom. :)

Of course, I have to have a spreadsheet for each scale now. I have decided to weigh myself daily on my scale, and use the boys' scale for weekly measurements. My daily spreadsheet just counts weight. I have two charts on it, one showing weight so the chart will go down, and one showing my weight loss so the chart will go up. The other spreadsheet, I call BMI, has all the other measurements. I have not made any charts up for this one yet as its new.

So, I have struggled with giving my starting weight. I chide myself over this because .. what the hell .. I told you all about my poop oil in the bathtub story. How could this possibly be worse. But as I sit here and type this I am still pondering whether to tell or not. I can feel my blood pressure rising. So I am just going to get it over with and spill the beans. My starting weight is......

305.8 on my scale and 305.2 on the boys' scale. There its done! Ug!

I took my first ever "in the mirror" pictures. I have always teased people about taking "in the mirror" pictures, but I was by myself and wanted a real starting full body picture. It just so happened that my son came home for lunch and took a couple of pictures on my cell phone for me. Ug!! Of course the pics I have posted here and on Facebook look way better as I always make sure only to post the pics that really do not show my weight. My boys know to only take pics from a downward angle so not to show the double chin and to only get a face and shoulders shot. I have some awesome before pictures though. Christmas morning they were taking candid shots, or not so candid shots of me holding my presents and all I can say is HOLY COW! When my screen saver comes on it shows these pics and every single time I see them, I have to shake my head. How the hell did I let myself get this big?!?!? Damn! Somehow I have fooled myself into thinking that if I only take the "don't show my weight" pics I didn't really look that big. Everyone else who is around me sees it, but I didn't see it. I still haven't sent the pics from my phone to my email so that I can look at them full size. :( I'm scared.

Next, I decide that I need to take my measurements. In my handy-dandy notebook they gave me they suggest which measurements to take starting with each wrist. It is amazing to me still, even at being this weight for a long time, how difficult having this weight on makes simple things like taking measurements. Even as simple as measuring my wrists. Well I am sure part of this weight loss I had this day is due in part to taking my measurements. I am sure I burnt up a ton of calories trying to finagle the measuring tape around me. Wrist, arms, um.. chest? Bra on or off?? Let me tell you there is a big difference. Where to measure?? Should the girls be up there where they are suppose to be? I decide to take three measurements. One directly under the arms and above the girls. One over the girls with a loose fitting bra on, and one under the girls or the rib cage. The worksheet asks for bra size. Well I can't give the size of the bra I wear because it is not the right size. I know this but it is impossible to get a bra in my area that fit my measurements. According to the measurements I took yesterday I should wear a size 46 J. I have a 42 J in my closet that I can wear, but its very tight right now. It also takes five whole minutes to put on. I thought about getting a new bra, but I am going to wait for a bit and just wear my ill fitting Just My Size bra for a while longer. The waist and hips measurements go ok as the gave me a extra long measuring tape. Then comes the thighs. If you read a few posts ago about the "clean catch" deal, you will understand why this was very difficult. One hand ok.. two hands.. impossible. Well not impossible as I did get the measurements, but DAMN! Calf and ankle were a little better.

So off to the spreadsheet I go to track all my measurements. As I mentioned earlier, I have several of these spreadsheets, so a small part of my brain is telling me .. here we go again .. with all high hopes .. is failure around the corner again? How long will this tracking last for? It's like dating. You want to be open to success, but part of your heart stays guarded because you do not want to be hurt. I want to hope for success, but I want to guard against the feelings of failure. After all, my mother had the Lap Band and didn't lose any weight last year at all. I feel almost bi-polar in my thoughts. I know I am going to succeed this time. I worry that I am not.

Well, on to my first day of no food. It was a bitch! I was freaking hungry all day. I bought the already prepared 8-ounce Glucerna shakes. In the past when I have done the shake diets, I usually made them. This way they were way bigger than the eight ounces you are suppose to have. I also used 2% milk when making them. This time, I wanted to stick to the recommended diet. I had two shakes before work. Went to work at 1 p.m. and had two shakes there. Then had the final two shakes at 7 and 9 p.m. I also had a cup of chicken broth with my last shake. I drank several bottles of water through out the day. I followed the diet to a "T", but it was hard, and I was very hungry all day. I took my son shopping for the Junior Prom, and all I could see were the restaurants signs everywhere. It sucked.. but I made it!

I woke up this morning hungry. I have decided to try using the HCG drops I purchased some time ago when I thought I was going to lose weight with that diet. I am hoping it will help curb my appetite so I won't feel so hungry.

My daily weigh-in .. 302.5 so I lost 3.3 lbs.

I was chunky as a kid, but lost weight while in high school. In high school I weighed around 120. When I met my husband, at 17, I weighed 135. Three years later I weighed 175. I remember buying my wedding gown from the JC Penny catalog. The largest size they had was a size 20. I purchased the gown then had to take it into the alterations shop to have it expanded. The little Mexican lady asked me why I didn't just buy one that fit me. They didn't have it. When I had my first kid, at 24, I weighed 220. I do believe that is the weight I kept during all my pregnancies. I didn't gain weight during my pregnancies because the baby raised my metabolism. It is common with women who are obese to not gain alot of weight during pregnancy. I actually weighed less right after giving birth than I did when I got pregnant. When my kids were in elementary school I went back to work. I was 33. I gained and gained until I was almost 300 lbs. I wasn't 300 lbs and would get mad when doctors or nurses would round my weight to 300. I was 298 dammit!! Twice I got down to 250, but not for long. Last year, my home scale went over the 300 lb mark a couple of times. This is one of those times, obviously.

I am off to start day two! Only 167.5 lbs to go!!

Today is the last day of my old life!

Tomorrow starts a whole new life for me. I start my two week liquid protein diet. So you know what I did today right? Thats right! I went to Olive Garden and had my favorite meal. I had the Zuppa Tuscana which is a sausage and potato soup then Steak Gorgonzola with angel hair pasta as an entrée. I will say that I shared this dish with my son George and still had some left over, but yum yum yummy! After we were done eating the entrée both George and I were full, but now comes the difference between skinny people eating habits and fat people eating habits, I asked him if he wanted dessert. He says, "No I am full." Hmmmm well so am I, but I am still going to have dessert! We ordered .. haha I say "we" .. the three shots of dessert. He ate one of them and I ate the other two. What the hell, I am not going to be able to eat those again so why not, right? It's four hours later and I am still extremely full.

After lunch, I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon. Typically this is done just a few days before surgery, not two weeks. But who am I to wait? I haven't done anything else on their schedule. I will be doing the two week liquid protein diet on their schedule however. From now on I will be calling it Glucerna Diet. I will be drinking six 8-ounce bottles of Glucerna a day for two weeks. This is to reduce the fat in the liver, so that the surgeons can easily move it out of the way to get to the stomach during surgery. If the liver if fatty, it is very soft and can be easily damaged.

I got weighed in. I am glad I got weighed in after having a huge lunch and before I started my Glucerna diet. This way I will have an accurate weight loss. Well, maybe not accurate, but at least that first weigh-in will feel really, really good. My blood pressure was a little high 166/82. I think it's to be expected after eating that huge meal, then add on top of that my anxiety. I am still not ready to divulge my weight. Maybe after my first or second weigh-in post op. We will see.

I did not spend much time with the surgeon. Well, maybe 20 minutes, so that could be a fair amount of time. He went over the risks involved and answered any questions I had. I had two questions. One - after cutting out 85% of my stomach, will my stomach still produce acid to digest my food. He said that they now leave a small pouch at the bottom of the stomach (he drew me a picture on the white paper they use to cover the examining chairs) that allows the stomach to produce stomach acid. This is great news. I was thinking about that the other day. What if my stomach doesn't produce stomach acid anymore. Will the food go undigested? Second question was about the anesthesia. He said what every one else said which is I will be talking to the anesthesiologist before surgery and I was to explain to him my fears and concerns so he could take care of them.

Then comes the paperwork with the nurses. Getting registered. I am officially registered to have surgery February 9th. I have to fast that day. Um.. am I not going to be fasting for two weeks before the surgery?? I guess I can't even have the Glucerna. The pre-op nurse will call me a day or two before and will tell me specifically what I need to do and drink and not drink etc.

Here's your sign! During this paperwork, the nurse asked me if I was allergic to latex. I said I think I have a sensitivity to it but, I do not know if I am allergic to it. She said, "So this wasn't fatal or anything right?" Um?? I just looked at her and raised my eyebrows and gave her that look that said "HUH?!?" After staring at her for a few seconds, I chuckled and said "No, not fatal, I am still here, I am just sensitive to it." In my mind I was thinking "Damn I need to blog about this!"

After all the paperwork comes the payments. The break-down for self-pay patients is:

• Hospital $7,500 (This covers up to $15,000 worth of hospital care)
• Anesthesia $ 977
• Surgeon $5,340

This comes to a total of $13, 817. This is about $5k-7k less than it cost about six years ago when I was looking into it. This does not include the $300 for the psych evaluation nor the $100 for the nutritionist evaluation. I am not going to include the primary care physician or lab work done as I had that done for myself. The lab work would have been included in the surgeon fee, if I would have waited.

I am excited! I am not even worried about doing the two week Glucerna diet. We will see how tomorrow goes. I know my kids will be supportive. I am glad I switched shifts at work. I am not a morning person, so I get to sleep in and do not have to be to work until 1 p.m.!! I think this will help significantly.

I have decided I am not going to have any friends or family at the hospital while I am having the surgery. I do not see any reason to have people just wait around for hours while I am having the surgery. I am especially not interested in seeing anyone after I wake up and not feeling good. When I feel up to calling them, then they can come see me. Its not like they can bring me food or anything. I plan to wake up slowly and ask for lots of drugs afterwards then do some good snoozing. I will make more definite plans after I know more of the timing.

It's not fear it's excitement!!

Is it the moon?

I have noticed lately that I am being emotional. More so than usual. I have been irritable. Sometimes flat out bitchy and my kids would agree a little unreasonable in my anger. Is it the moon? Is it tax season? Or is it this life changing decision I am making? I am not sure, but have to laugh at these "vitamins" my oldest son George gave me today. They are called "Happy Hour" and tout to relieve "employment stress". I thought they were a joke, but he says he purchased them at GNC. Is he giving me a silent message? No matter, it was sweet of him to think of me. I love my kids, and I know that they will be very very supportive during this ordeal. Not once complaining about the money I am spending on this surgery. Not even Carlos who always complains about every penny I spend! Ok that was a slight exaggeration, but I swear that kid is going to be extremely rich someday with his penny pinching.

Today I was talking to a co-worker/friend. I told her about my exciting news of the upcoming surgery. For some reason I brought up some thoughts I was having. I told her I was going to have to blog about this.

In the past, when I am starting a new diet, I always tell myself, "This time next year I will be ..." "In two months I will be ... " "By Christmas I will be ..." and every single time I have disappointed myself. Now here I am getting this surgery, with almost guaranteed results (average weight loss is 70-80% of excess weight) and I am doing the same thing, "By my birthday I will be 50lbs lighter" "This time next year I will be 100lbs lighter" but in reality I am not believing myself. I have said these things so many times in the past and have failed that even with almost guaranteed success facing me I am still doubting myself.

I think I might be doubting myself a little more these days as I am on this test diet and doing ok, but not being perfect on it. I feel myself wondering if I am going to be disappointed when I weigh myself in the morning.

I self-analyze A LOT. I am sure this causes me a lot of stress as well. I come up with all these questions I just do not have answers for.

I chatted with a friend today who once told me "If you do not like being fat, Dwan, why don't you do something about it?" I remembering telling him I can't. I have tried and failed many many many many times. Today I was able to tell him "I am doing something about it!" He seemed to be happy for me, but as a few other guys have asked. "Will you lose your boobs?" Funny thing is I would be perfectly happy being a C cup. I am not sure I can possibly get down to a C cup, but if I were I would be ok with it. To be able to shop at Victoria Secrets and buy something that fits me would be a dream.

Interestingly, even as I write this the little thoughts of failure pop into the back of my brain and work themselves forward. How many times did I start a diet and know I was going to succeed. I have another blog under this profile titled "I will be thin!" This is just another attempt at losing weight and failing. I start all positive and give up after the first hurtle. Fortunately, there is no giving up. Once that stomach is gone its gone for good. I am having the one surgery that is not reversible.

I will end all this melancholy blathering with an embarrassing and gross fat story. I have thought of this story over the years but have not told anyone about it. I was talking to my girlfriend Kerri this morning. I was talking about how the gastric bypass has the dumping syndrome, which I believe is where you have uncontrollable poop if you eat too much sugar. It reminds me of my experience with Xenical. I told Kerri I never told this story because it was too embarrassing and just plain out gross. She told me I had to tell the story. So here it is:

Back on one of my diets, I was seeing what I call a "fat doctor". She was a bariatric doctor and helped people to lose weight with monitoring and lots of pills. One of those pills was Xenical. Xenical is a fat blocker. When you eat fat, it takes the fat and forces it out when you poop. It turns it very oily. You can see the oil just floating on the water of the toilet bowl. If you eat alot of fat, you need to be very careful. Its like diarrhea. You definitely do NOT want to fart. This is just background information and not the story. It gets way worse. UG.. maybe I am just stalling!!

I was in San Diego on business. We always go out for good food while in San Diego. I knew it was pretty fatty so I popped a Xenical that night. The next morning, I was taking my long leisurely bath, reading my book when I got a phone call. I sat up to reach for the phone, and found that the pressure of sitting up must have let loose because next thing I know I am sitting in a bathtub full of water with all this oily substance floating in it. Holy cow! I jumped up as I was totally disgusted, but got even more disgusted when it was all over my body and then dripping all over the bathroom floor. It was horrible!! I don't even remember who I was talking to, but I got off the phone quickly. Fortunately, there were tons of extra towels in the bathroom. I, of course didn't want the maid to see all of this so wiped it all up, cleaned out the bathtub, and was fortunate enough to have a towel left over to dry myself after my shower. I have never told anyone this story, so why not tell the whole world?? Needless to say I did not take the Xenical ever again.

All scheduled and ready to go!!!

I am on my final steps to my new life.

First. As of January 17, 2011 (my youngest son's 16th birthday), I am no longer drinking carbonated drinks. I am a major Coca Cola addict. Carbonated drinks are on the no-no list after having weight loss surgery. When your stomach can only hold 2 ounces, they do not want you filling it up with carbonation as it becomes painful. Personally, I have known that Coke has been a big downfall of mine. It keeps me dehydrated and full of useless calories. Good side is I am drinking more water.

Second. At this same time I started testing out the liquid diet. I chose Glucerna protein shakes over Slimfast as it has tons less sugar. When you go on the liquid diet you get 6 shakes a day. You can add some clear broth, sugar free jello, and sugar free popsicles. My testing diet is making me a little scared. My mind is saying "If I could do this I would be skinny already!" Right now I am having 2 shakes and one meal. Now if my meal was an appropriate meal I would be losing weight, but as I am starving by the time I get to my meal, it is definitely NOT appropriate. I have noticed though that I am eating a lot less. I am not cleaning my plate. So possibly my theory on doing the testing diet first to shrink my stomach so that when I do go on the all liquid diet it will be easier, might just work.

I am still having some major anxiety over the anesthesia. I might have mentioned that after the last surgery I had back in 1999, I got really sick and they prescribed anti-nausea meds which I then had an allergic reaction to and ended up having severe panic attacks for 3 years. Dr. Joe gave me some Clonazepam. I haven't taken it during the day yet, but holy cow does it help me sleep good. Andi, who I talk about in a few paragraphs, gave me the numbers to the anesthesia office so I can call them and talk to them about my concerns.

Third. I went to the weight loss surgery seminar last night. Most people do this first, then get the psych eval and nutritional eval. I didn't learn much there as I had already read everything they had on their web-site, as well as watched several YouTube videos, read blogs, etc., but I got to check it off my list. It was nice to meet three ladies who had weight loss surgery who have lost a ton of weight. They brought before photos. It was amazing. They looked great!

Everything on my check list is checked off so I got to start on the things that are not on my check list. My friend who just got the gastric bypass knew that I needed to take a pre-bariatric surgery class and signed me up for the class given this morning. They told me that you usually do not take this class until after you have scheduled your surgery. So on my way to class, I called the surgeons office and made it official. I am schedule for surgery. Well sort of. I am scheduled for sometime between February 9 - 12. On one of those days, I will be having my surgery. Wooohooo!! This is directly after "first peak" of tax season. I have let them know at work that I plan to be gone from that day until I feel better or around two weeks.

But back to the class. This class was actually very informative and it was FREE!! A nurse from the hospital bariatrics division ran it. Her name is Andi. Very very sweet lady. She explained what the procedures were. When to start the liquid protein diet. She talked about what we can eat right after the surgery, what to eat for the next several weeks after the surgery. She talked about exercise. She talked about all kinds of things and answered all our questions. She also had the LapBand surgery so has some personal experience. She took pictures of us.

There was myself and another lady there who brought her husband who was a riot. I would guess the husband was late 60s. A former navy guy originally from Massachusetts. Before I got there the wife complained about the seats having arms as they dug into your legs. After I sat down they brought her a "bariatric" chair. It was much wider. The husband said I should get one because the chair arms were also digging into the sides of my legs. I chose not to. The man obviously used to know what was best for everyone insisted that I get the larger chair. I looked at him did an exaggerated crossing of my arms and gave him a "hmmmpf". He looked at me with some shock in his eyes and I started laughing and said "I guess you met your match in stubbornness buddy." We became instant friends. He personifies what I love about New Englanders. They tell you how it is. No sugar coating it at all. He kept me laughing throughout the class.

I have a meeting with the surgeon on January 25th. I start my liquid protein diet on January 26th. Hopefully I will be so busy doing taxes I do not notice the hunger. I will get a call sometime before the surgery telling me who to pay when. Then D day or should I say S day! I am hoping I can get in on February 9th! There was only one other surgery I was excited for. My tubal ligation! After having four children in less than four years, I was excited to get it stopped. I have to say, this seems to be more exciting. I am not scared about having a stomach that can only hold up to four ounces for the rest of my life. This is going to help me continue to make good choices through out my life so that I can maintain a healthy weight.

My new buddy from class helped me determine my goal weight. He said.. How much did you weight when you graduated high school. I said 135. He said .. there ya go. Thats your goal weight. Perfect!! That was the weight I had in mind, but all these charts still insist that I will be overweight. I am completely satisfied with 135lbs being my goal weight!

Maybe on S day I will divulge my weight and how many pounds it will take to get to my goal weight. Right now my short term goal is to lose 50lbs by my birthday in May. I know I can do it!!

Big Beautiful Women

I am a Big Beautiful Woman! This is an interesting group. About five years ago I was introduced to this concept. Prior to this I had no clue that I was actually desired by BBW admirers. I didn't even know that they existed. I would consider it almost a fetish. Men who liked fat women.

Prior to my divorce and even after it in 2005, I just thought I was a big fat woman with 4 kids. Who would possibly want me? I used to play games online at Pogo.com and had a group of "online friends" who I played with regularly. We all exchanged pictures so we knew what each other looked like. One of the girls there introduced me to Eddy. We also did the picture exchange and I remember him saying (typing) ... Oh you are a BBW. I really like BBW. I did not know what a BBW was. He said..you are a big beautiful woman. Hmmmm... what did he mean by big? I still totally didn't get it. I knew there were people who didn't care if you were heavy or not, but actually desire someone who is fat? He explained this new concept to me and told me about websites for BBW and there was even clubs around the country where these BBWs and their admirers got together to party.

Eddy changed my life. I met him in person some time later and I never felt prettier and desirous in my life. I knew I was a powerful woman, but its a whole other story when you feel beautiful. This was my new label .. I'm a proud big beautiful woman. I loved it! I felt more confident about myself. Confidence is also sexy.

The problem I came across is BBWs also have a reputation. Some men seem to think that BBWs are a little easier to get into bed. They also think that BBWs are more likely to perform oral sex. I don't know about other BBWs, but I found this totally offensive. But if you are labeling yourself in a group that is really a fetish, why should I be offended if I was thought of as a sexual being rather than a human being?

Do women label themselves as big beautiful women because they have settled with what they are and have given up on losing weight? I remember thinking a few years ago, I do not want to be like my grandma and be 80 and still be trying all the diets that Woman's World boldly tells us will help us lose 20 lbs in 2 days! Being a big beautiful woman gave me an out. I could stay fat and be desired by men who had a fetish for fat women and be proud of it.

I have been tipping the scales lately that I am actually considered to be a SSBBW - Super Sized Big Beautiful Woman. This has its own category of admirers. A year or so ago I was actually contacted on a dating site and asked if I was a SSBBW. I had to ask what it was. He said you weigh over .... lbs. (left blank intentionally to protect the innocent eyes, I am not ready to give away my weight yet!) I responded .. No I am not, sorry (I wasn't at the time... close but no cigar.) I thought .. holy cow.. I am actually NOT fat enough for this guy. I guess I should have kept his number :) J/K!

I decided some time ago, that I am going to stop labeling myself as a BBW. I want to be liked for who I am not what I look like. Imagine that! I do not regret this time in my life that I was a BBW. Everyone wants to feel desired. It was great! I am just ready to move on to another phase of my life.

On another note. Dr. Jay said I have GREAT genes! He got the results back from all my lab work done last Saturday. I do not have high blood pressure. I do not have diabetes. I do not have a thyroid problem. I have low bad cholesterol. I have high good cholesterol. He was saying how its interesting how there are some people without my weight problems that have all sorts of problems with blood pressure and diabetes and that I am lucky to have great genes and not have the problems a lot of people associate with being morbidly obese. I told Dr. Jay how grateful I was that he didn't ask for a clean catch urine sample, and how I blogged about it. He just laughed and said he couldn't believe I actually brought that up in my blog.

Other good news. I received a ball park figure for the cosmetic surgery I was interested in. I want to get a tummy tuck which includes upper/inner thighs and a breast lift after my weight loss. It looks like it will only run me about $10k instead of the $20k I was thinking it was going to cost.

Another thing I do not like about being fat: driving a car. The seat belt always rides up and chokes me. Thats if I get in a car where the seatbelt fits me. My car has a big enough seatbelt. I have been in cars where the seat belt doesn't fit or I have to really struggle to get it to click. Whether I get the seatbelt on, I still have to have the seat back far enough to be able to steer the car without my stomach holding the steering wheel in place, but because I am so short (5 foot even) I need it close enough to reach the pedals. This can sometimes get very complicated. I can not wait until I can move the seat to where ever I can reach the pedals and not worry about my tummy rubbing against the steering wheel.

As Lou would say.. the piggies are making noises.. but is this fear or is this excitement!

Dietitian and Psych Eval Appointments

I am two-thirds of the way through my checklist of things to do prior to getting the weight loss surgery. Today I saw the dietitian and the psychiatrist.

You know those feelings you get the weekend before you start your diet on Monday? You know the ones that say .. eat everything in the house now. You rationalize this by telling yourself that it will make it easier on yourself to diet because there won't be anything left in the house (except the diet food) when you are on your diet. Well I sort of have those same feelings now. I need to try every single restaurant out there and those I like two or three times before I get the surgery.

I actually went out for lunch and dinner today. Chinese for lunch and cheeseburger for dinner. If you are local and reading this, Jazzy Java has the best cheeseburger special in town. I rationalize this all by saying when I go on my liquid diet I will be saving a ton of money from eating out. Truth is I could be saving a lot of money right now AND losing weight by not eating out.

I learned today that I talk too much. Ok I guess I always knew this. I learned this lesson before when I had a very nice long chat with my divorce attorney's paralegal. I later received a HUGE bill. I had no idea you got charged when talking to the paralegal. Grrrr. You would think I would learn my lesson! Note to self.. if they charge by the minute.. STFU!!

Today I went to see the dietitian who charges by the minute. I could have got out of the appointment within a half an hour but I became Chatty Suzie with Missy Dietitian. Turns out I stayed for a whole hour. And get this.. we didn't even come up with a food plan. I thought you saw a nutritionist to come up with a food plan. Apparently not. The surgeons give you the food plan. So what did we talk about the whole hour you ask? The same stuff I talked about in my online questionnaire. She just basically repeated the questions and wrote down stuff on her notepad. I, of course, expanded on every subject. I basically covered a lot of what I blog about. I guess I just needed to show up so that she could tell the surgeons what the others will be telling them.. I am a good candidate for the weight loss surgery.

Next stop - the psychiatrist. Flat fee!! Yea I can talk as much as I want!! I had a good time. We went over basically the same information that was in the online questionnaire and what I had just talked to the dietitian about. After our little chit chat he had me take two tests. One to test my IQ and the next to see if I heard voices that others couldn't.

After my IQ test, he asked me if I had ever had my IQ tested before. Possibly I said, but I am not sure. He said I tested in the 95 percentile! I said does that mean I am smart?? He said, "Very!" He said he was sure that I knew that already. I told him I was not surprised. Still its nice to have others recognize it!!

I am pretty sure I do not hear voices other do not hear, but who knows. I guess we will find out when he has completed my entire psych evaluation. Maybe I am one of those crazy geniuses!

He did say that I was a good candidate for the weight loss surgery. I wonder if they ever tell someone they are not a good candidate.

He also told me that the Sleeve Gastrectomy was a very very good choice for me. That actually made me feel good too. I didn't get any cool drugs from him, but I did leave his office feeling good.

We are coming to a very busy time of the year. I am taking 4 classes at the college, Micro Economics, Managerial Finance, and upper level English. It is also the beginning of tax season. Seems like a crazy time to have the surgery, but I do not want to put off getting this done. I know I need this tool to implement my weight loss. I know I have a good support system. I am positive I can get it all done.

Yippie-Ki-Yay!!

More embarrassing stories of being fat .. TMI

I know there are a couple of people who read this. I post it on my Facebook page each time I make an entry. Some may think.. woah.. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I agree. BUT the purpose of this blog is for me to journal my process. Its difficult knowing that anyone in the world can see my most personal stories, but maybe someone will see it and relate. I have started other blogs about weight loss, but this is the first time I have committed to writing all my secrets about being fat hoping that it will keep me motivated along the way.

This morning I was sitting at the table (this set is actually my daughters). The table is a tall table with wooden bar stool height chairs. I am 5 foot even. I do not like bar stool height chairs. After eating breakfast which consisted of left over Olive Garden steak garganzola .. mmm .. my favorite dish there, I went to push the chair back to get down and I heard it creak. It immediately brought up a very embarrassing moment that happened about 8 or 9 years ago.

I was in Jamaica on a business trip. I have was having breakfast or lunch (I do not remember which meal it was) with two friends who I also happen to work with. Ken and Jay Kay. Its beautiful weather there in Jamaica so we were eating outside of the hotel's restaurant. Even though it was a pretty nice place, I guess because of the rain/storms they have the furniture outside consisted of plastic table and chairs. The type you can get from WalMart during the spring time for $50 for the whole set. (Maybe I am exaggerating the cheapness of it just a little.) We were seated. We were looking at the menu and all of the sudden the legs of my chair gave out. You would think we were in a slapstick comedy. All four legs went out in four directions. I landed on my ass. I started laughing out of embarrassment or just the funniness of it, I am not sure .. maybe both. We all sat there for a second a little stunned. Then Ken and Jay jumped up to help me up. It is of course very difficult when you are my size to get up from an awkward position as that. Its almost easier if no one helps you and you roll over onto your hands and knees, but how do you tell someone that? Well I finally get up and the waitress comes over with her quick fix. They double up the chairs. HAHAHA it still makes me laugh at how being so very fat needs these types of accommodations.

There is a story I feel sad about. It doesn't have any part that makes me smile or chuckle. I took my two oldest children to the park that was about three very long blocks from my house. They were about 2 and 3 at the time. My daughter was playing on the jungle gym and went to reach for the bar, but fell onto the hard packed red dirt. She hit the ground hard enough to give her a concussion. This was before cell phones. No one else was at the park. I had to carry her while holding my 2 year old son's hand. I remember getting about a block when I couldn't carry her anymore. I tried to have her walk, but she couldn't walk straight. Even holding her hand, she couldn't walk straight. I felt absolutely miserable. What could I do? I couldn't leave my son by himself. It took me forever to make those three blocks. I thought I was going to die. I am pretty sure I was balling by the time I made it through the door. Poor Manuel didn't know what was wrong. He thought I was in the one in need of medical attention. How horrible I remember feeling, but here that child is almost 20 years old with a son of her own and I am even more out of shape then I was then.

I was talking to my ex-husband last night. I told him that I was going to get the Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery done. He was very against it. Said it was too dangerous blah blah blah. It reminded me of how big a sabotager he was to my losing weight. When I met him I weighed 135 lbs. I wore a size 7 jeans. After moving in with him, unbeknownst to me I started gaining weight. Here it is 25 years later and it still makes me chuckle when I first found out I was gaining weight.

A few months after we were living together, Manuel wanted to go out dancing. I was excited as all I had been doing prior to this was staying home in sweats day and night. I got out my dancing duds out, and put them on. Well Manuel always did the laundry so I had every reason to blame him for it. My clothes had SHRUNK!! Boy was I mad. I couldn't believe he shrunk my favorite dancing outfit that consisted of a mini skirt and a half shirt. (Remember this was in the 80's.) After hearing me complain to him about shrinking my outfit for about 20 minutes, he turned to me and said, "Um Dwan.. have you .. um.. stepped on a .. um .. scale lately?" WTF??? What are you talking about??? He says he did not shrink my clothes, but that I had gained weight. I couldn't believe that I was so unaware of myself gaining weight. How could I not see that?? How very very dangerous it is to wear only sweat pants! Manuel will never ever admit to this, but I know he felt better when I was heavier. There was not a single time that I tried to lose weight that he did not deliberately sabotage my diet.

I was wasting my money on NutriSystems' nasty ass food but sticking to it, when he says "Let's go have a burrito down at 16th and Valencia." Knowing damn well I LOVED those burritos. I was wasting my money on a doctor supervised OptiFast liquid diet losing lots of weight, when all of the sudden we HAD to go try out this new Italian restaurant down in the North Beach District which offered 7 course meals. We never went out for Italian.. ever. I was wasting my money when I went to see a hypnotist who helped me stop drinking Coke and helped me with other bad eating habits, when low and behold the man who NEVER drank Coke had to have a twelve pack in the fridge at all times. Just have one Dwan it won't hurt. Just like a drug dealer!! Those were just the big deliberate sabotages I remember. There were countless little ones.

I would totally love to blame Manuel for me being as fat as I am, but even with all the temptations, I could have said no, but I didn't. I also would like to blame genetics for being so fat. I would say that 90% of my family is at some level overweight. There are many who are obese. A couple who are morbidly obese. This on both sides of my family. I still have a choice to eat the way I do.

I am not one of those people who eats 2 lbs of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a loaf of bread in one sitting. Manuel used to tell me, "I have no idea how you gain weight when you eat less than half of what I do." I think its a combination of eating the wrong foods and moving the least amount possible.

I once read a study on the difference of movement between skinny (if you are under 35 BMI you are skinny to me) and fat people. One statement said when a skinny (not their term, but that was my filter) makes a bed they use many more movements than an obese person. A skinny person will pull up the sheet on one side then go to the other side to pull up the sheet. They will then pull up the blanket on one side then move to the other side and pull up the blanket etc. An obese person will fully make the bed on one side then move to the other side and finish the bed. A skinny person makes 20 moves to make a bed and an obese person makes 2-3 moves. Guess what? I make the bed like an obese person. Who would think that something so simple would be so telling? A skinny person will make several trips from the car with groceries. An obese person will load up with every single possible bag they can get in their arms, fingers, pinkies even and try to get everything in with only one trip. Once in the house they will probably ask someone else to get the rest if there are any left in the car.

I once had a vegan (Someone who doesn't eat any animal products at all) tell me if I became a vegan it would be impossible to eat more than 1800 calories in a day. Wanna bet?? I knew I could, I started imagining all the stuff I could eat that didn't have animal products but were fattening. Our great country has come up with all kinds of substitutes.

I remember watching Roseanne's talk show once. She talked about how SlimFast had asked her to go on their diet. They would give her all the products and pay her. She said "Hell yeah!" They delivered her a truck load of the SlimFast products: shakes in every flavor and cases and cases of the snack bars. She said they tasted GREAT! The snack bars that were suppose last her a year were gone in a week. Now she thinks like an obese person!! I thought.. hell yeah I would have done the same thing!!

I know I need some changes in my behaviors as well as my eating habits. I know my children will be completely supportive in my new endeavor. I am excited and can't wait! Well actually I can wait I guess otherwise I would be starting these new behaviors now instead of waiting until D day.

Fasting for the lab and more reasons why I hate being fat!

One thing I have learned by my blogging experience is that for a person who does not like to write I am sure long winded!

I decided to get the lab work done that my new doc Jay(I know he is a physician assistant but he is doc Jay to me.) requested I get done. I am supposed to fast for 12 hours. Not a big problem if you stop eating at a normal time and go get the tests done early in the morning, but am I normal?? NO! I was doing good, but then the kids went out to eat late last night. They came home with leftovers and some sort of cookie/brownie dessert. It was midnight and Cherie asked if I wanted to try it. Without any thought to my fasting, I said sure. As soon as I finished it I remembered the 12 hour fasting. UG!! This is why I need the Sleeve Gastrectomy. I need help remembering that I am changing my eating behaviors. No more eating without thinking.

So twelve hours later, I am a very unhappy camper. I am very very hungry and am on my way to the lab which doesn't take reservations to get poked. Even though I have lived in the St. George area for many years I am still surprised when I have no waiting to get into the "first come, first serve" lab. Maybe because everyone else is normal and gets there as soon as it opens! The process went pretty smooth until the urine collection came.

Well.. do I totally embarrass myself and let anyone who reads this know how very very thankful I am this was not a "clean catch" urine sample they needed. Because believe you me, its difficult to get one hand down there but IMPOSSIBLE to get two hands down there. My arms are just not long enough to get around all this fat and then down far enough to .. one.. hold myself open while .. two collecting the sample. If they call me back because they need a "clean catch" someone is going to have to help! There isn't anyone I know that I would be OK with helping me do this. I do not need the urine analysis bad enough, thats just all there is to it!

As I am thankfully walking out of the lab after only 20 minutes, a memory of another embarrassing fat moment floods me. Years ago.. 2002 or 2003 .. I was on a business trip with some coworkers. We are driving back to St. George, Utah from San Diego, California. We decided to stop in Primm, Nevada known for its roller coaster called the Desperado. It used to be in the Guiness Book of World Records for being the world's tallest, fastest, and steepest roller coaster. I decided that since we were stopped there I was going to try out the roller coaster. Fortunately for me and my embarrassment none of my coworkers came with me. This is an older roller coaster, but I was excited to try it out. Well apparently back when they built it, fat people did not ride roller coasters. Its my turn and I had to sit in the front seat of course. I get in and I try to buckle the seat belt and it does NOT fit. I start to panic. What if they start to go with me not buckled in?? Thankfully they did have a belt checker who came over to check me and I told him my belt doesn't fit so I will have to get off. I was just about to get out when a guy a few seats behind me says "Oh I had a friend who had the same problem. They just took the seat cushion out." At this point, I am too embarrassed to say thats OK and let the belt checker guy get me out so he can remove the seat cushion. I get back in the seat without any seat cushion and fortunately the belt just fit and I was able to ride. Of course, I was embarrassed, but still told the whole story to my coworkers who missed all the excitement.

Now this story reminds me of another embarrassing roller coaster adventure. My friend Jennifer and her boyfriend invite me to go to Las Vegas with them. They were determined to ride all the rides at the top of the Stratosphere. For those of you who have not seen the Stratosphere, it is a tower that is over 1,100 feet above the ground. Most of the rides jut off the side of this tower. I went on the Big Shot first as it just went straight up. No problems here. I fit just fine in the seat, but that was probably the scariest feeling every. No more Big Shots for me whether on the ground or on top of a tower. I bought the picture for my own amusement but will probably never ever post it anywhere.. just imagine a woman my size and flabbiness flying straight down with all that negative 'G' force in effect .. not a pretty picture trust me.

Next we go out on the Insanity. This is like a swing ride that reaches out over the side of the tower so you are facing the ground when it is in full swing. I also bought the picture of this one with me holding for dear life to the back of the seat as all that is holding me from falling over 1,000 feet is some small bar. Are they prepared for someone my size?? Has it been tested out with someone of my weight?? What the hell was I thinking??? Finally the ride is over and they are pulling us in BUT the ride won't come all the way in. Its stuck. Ok maybe this is a little narcissistic of me, but did it not come in all the way because it wasn't used to dealing with the weight it had on it? These may be unreasonable thoughts.. but they were my thoughts. It takes a few minutes, but they finally get us pulled in all the way and we disembark the ride.

You would think that I have learned my lesson and quite the rides. But NO.. I still have one more ticket left and its for X-Scream. It is an 8 person ride that shoots off the side of the tower. It looks like one car of a roller coaster. My friends and I go to get on the ride but the ride operator asks me to sit in the back seat. That would be the best place for me to sit he suggests. I agreed and went to the back seat. I sit down and the guy tries to push the bar down over my lap. Guess what? It doesn't fit. I said maybe I shouldn't go on this ride he says "oh no, we will get you buckled in." He calls over his coworker and both of them are pushing down on the bar over my lap to get it to click. Holy cow! Finally after several tries, they hear it click. I am now buckled in to their satisfaction. I am of course running the same lines through my head. What if my weight causes this stupid ride to break and it falls off the end and we shoot to our deaths!

The common theme. Even if its not a problem for others, in my mind it is a huge problem. After that experience, I vowed that I would not go on another roller coaster ride until I lost at least 100 lbs.

I'm on my weigh :)

They make fun of guys because they are afraid .. oops did I say afraid?? I meant they hate going to the doctors. I don't have a problem with doctors so much as I really do not like their answer for everything. PILLS. Everything can be solved if you take this prescription then take this other prescription to counter the side effects from the first and next thing you know you are losing weight because you are so busy taking pills all day that you do not have time or energy to eat food.

On my "Patient Checklist" it says to get a letter from your primary care physician stating "Why is surgery a good option for you?" Technically because I am a self-pay patient I could get around this, but I thought it would be a good idea to meet someone and let them in on the ground floor.

I decided on my primary care physician by calling this little place located in my kids' high school parking lot. My kids liked the school, so I figured it would be as good a place to begin as any. It turned out to be very cool. Its called Mill Creek Health Center. When you do not have insurance they go by a sliding scale fee also very cool. I saw a PA (Physicians Assistant) named Jay Lott. Very cool guy. I felt very comfortable with him. I was very very pleased with my visit. My initial paper work went by quickly, I was seen almost immediately (HAHA to all of you who have to wait hours to be seen in a medical clinic.) The nurse took my vitals and information and the Jay came in right behind her. Did I mention he was a cool guy? He asked what I was seeing him for and I said to establish a relationship with someone so they can be my primary care physician. I said I needed a letter on why weight loss surgery would be good for me. "You see my weight.. you see my height.. ta da!" Doesn't take a rocket science. I thought that would be it, but Jay is a thorough guy. Checked my ears and throat, lungs and heart. He gave me a referral for a blood work up to see if I have any underlying problems. He talked to me about what I have done in the past and how was I going to make sure it was going to change in the future.

He asked me "How is your diet now?" I responded with a nice hearty laugh. My diet sucks now. Since I have determined I was going to have the weight loss surgery, I have had a huge desire to test every single restaurant we have in town! I also have to test their desserts! I will say this - Every single time I eat out, I imagine how I could eat there after surgery. What choices would I make if I was eating there after the fact. Basically I have figured that I am going to save a ton of money from not eating out. All that money I save is going into my CSA (Cosmetic Surgery Account). My kids will be happy, because believe it or not they really hate going out to eat. They would prefer to eat healthy food at home. HOLY COW?!?! Are these my kids?? Never ever in my life would I have said.. but mom.. why don't we just eat at home .. have a banana.. If I wasn't awake at their births I might wonder if they were really mine!

I told the doc, you do not get to my weight and not know everything there is about weight loss. The problem is not the knowledge .. its the implementation. Thats where the surgery comes in. It will help me implement what I know about losing weight such as forcing me to chew my food very well. I have known for a long time that chewing your food goes a long ways in helping you lose weight. I actually chew my food better than most people I see eat, but I do not come close to how well it is supposed to be chewed. Next would be to stop eating when you are full not when the plate is empty. When you are only able to eat 2-4 ozs at a time, you will not be emptying any plates. The surgery will also help me to stop drinking sodas. Just these things in themselves will help me to lose weight. Making the right food choices will come when I am excited to continue my weight loss after my first initial weight loss from the 4 weeks of liquid protein diet.

I was also pleased to tell my new doc that I went shopping yesterday and purchased a exercise ball, ankle weights, and a new area rug for my living room. (I get to claim the rug because it is very nice and thick and will works wonders as an exercise mat!) He gave me kudos for getting this far.

Jay asked me if I have any before pics. I told him .. oh yea.. tons. But he gave me another good suggestion. I should buy some spandex clothing (something that shrinks with me) and either have someone take pics or get a tripod and take the same picture in the same clothes every two weeks so I can see the difference. I think this is a fantastic idea! I was just talking to my friend who had the Gastric Bypass. She lost over 50lbs so far, but was having a hard time seeing the results. I think this would be a good way of seeing it. When you are looking in the mirror every day seeing the pound by pound difference its much harder to notice the big picture.

I left the docs feeling very motivated. I will go back next week for a follow up to the blood work, and work on getting my letter from him.

I have set up appointments for the rest of my checklist.

• Attend seminar for weight loss (actually most people start with this, I am working just a little backwards) January 19th 6 p.m.
• Attend support group meeting February 3rd 7 p.m.
• Psych Evaluation January 10th 5 p.m.
• Nutrition Evaluation January 10th 3 p.m.
• Fill out RemedyMD online. I will complete that after I finish tonights blog.
• Medical records of 5 year weight loss - I do not have any so that should be easy!

Today was a good day! I feel very excited. I made my first real step in the direction of changing my life. This is going to happen!! As I told my son today when I was sliding out of the booth at the Pizza Factory..this time next year.. I will be able to slide out of the booths much easier.. no thats not true.. I will not be sliding into a booth in the first place!!

Love and Peace!!

Why I decided on the Sleeve Gastrectomy

For years I have been thinking about getting a weight loss surgery. I remember about 5 or 6 years ago I talked to several people who had the Gastric Bypass. All were very happy they did it. I can totally understand. It is miserable being hugely fat.

I am considered morbidly obese. I hate that term. Actually my BMI put me in the morbidly obese several points ago. I'm sure it was the same doctor that said I should be weighing 99lbs. I don't think I even weighed that little when I was born. My bones weigh more than 99lbs! Anyways I hate that term morbidly obese.

Back when I was looking at the Gastric Bypass, the cost was astronomical! I think it was around $20-25k. The insurance wouldn't pay for it no matter how much it would save them in the long run nor how much I needed it. Fortunately, I am a complete believer in the fact that God has a plan for me. The plan was not to get the Gastric Bypass and not to lose weight at that time. I don't think we had anyone local who could do the surgery. I would have had to go to Las Vegas.

We now have local surgeons who perform weight loss surgery. They offer the Lap-Band, Gastric Bypass, and Sleeve Gastrectomy.

The Lap-Band is not for me. Typical Lap-Band patients lose weight very slowly and it needs constant attention to continue to lose weight. There are some people who are happy with it, but a lot of the information I have found shows that it doesn't work as well for people who need to lose more than 60lbs. The one person I know personally who had the Lap-Band didn't lose any weight the first year she had it. Mainly because she didn't do the follow ups as required and it had not been filled as needed.

I thought that since the Lap-Band was not for me the only other option was the Gastric Bypass. I was all set to have that surgery, but I was very troubled by the fact that the stomach stayed in there not really doing anything. I know that it does stuff, but basically its not used and it just gave me creepy feelings to think that there was something in my body petrifying. I was also having problems with the malabsorption. I really was not looking forward to having my hair fall out. But I was willing to put up with it to lose this damn weight.

I went on to our local surgeon's website and noticed the Sleeve Gastrectomy was listed as an option at the bottom. At first, I dismissed it. Never heard of it. The more I went back to the website, the more I looked at it as an option. It was perfect for me. No bands to get filled and it didn't bypass anything. There wasn't any problems with malabsorption either. They consider it a rather new procedure.. for weight loss anyways. Basically what they do is cut out 85% of your stomach. The part they cut out is the stretchy part. What is left is the harder fibrous part of the stomach. I think the scariest part of it all is that it is the only surgery that is not reversible. The nice thing about it is its the same price as the Lap-Band.

Both the Lap-Band and Sleeve Gastrectomy is around $14k. The Gastric Bypass runs about $17k. Insurance companies will now typically pay for the Lap-Band or Gastric Bypass because there are long-term (10+ years) data on them. The Sleeve Gastrectomy's data is only about 5 years old as far as weight loss surgery goes. I think I am glad that I do not have insurance at this point as it doesn't bias my options.

With any of the options, you are required to do a 2-week liquid diet prior to the surgery. This is to reduce the fatty content of your liver which needs to be moved out of the way during the surgery. With the fatty content out of your liver, it is stiffer and easier to move aside. Then you are on a liquid diet for two weeks after your surgery while your stomach heals. I would imagine this will help your weight loss dramatically that first month and give you encouragement.

My fears... you would think pain would be the first one..but actually it comes second to the anesthesia. Eleven years ago I had an out-patient hernia correction surgery. When I awoke, as I have with previous surgeries, I was very nauseous. I had dry heaves the first hour. It was horrible. I then lay in bed nauseous for a week, but had to get up and go to work the following week. A woman I worked with suggested I get some anti-nausea medicine from my doctor. He prescribed me Compazine. A little known fact about Compazine .. a side effect that rarely occurs is sever panic attacks. I have never had a panic attack before so of course didn't recognize it when it occurred. I absolutely believed I was going to die. Right then.. I didn't know from what.. but I was certain I was going to die that instant. This literally destroyed my life for three years. If you have lived with anxiety attacks you know exactly what I am talking about. If you live with anxiety attacks, the way to fix them is cranio sacral work. A special thanks goes out to Brian Fisher who saved my life. Since he worked on me, I have not had an anxiety attack and we are talking about over seven years now. I explained this fear to the doctor's office and they assured me that there are things they can do to make sure this does not happen.

Next would be the pain. I had my gall bladder out many years ago and I was told it would be about the same. I do not remember having any severe pain with that, but what I have heard from people is that there is a lot of pain when they wake up. My theory is its from the stretching that is caused when the gas is pumped into you to stretch your abdomen so they have room to perform the surgery. I understand there is pain, but it seems to only last a day or two. It will be worth it!!

My next concern would be the saggy skin. This is more of a concern than a fear. I can guarantee that saggy skin is the same skin I have right now just without the fat in it. I am going to start saving up immediately for cosmetic surgery. I will work on it while I'm losing the weight, but I will be prepared if the surgery is needed afterwards. If for some miraculous reason I do not need the surgery.. Costa Rica here I come!!!

I am not sure I will be posting before pics in the beginning. Its very hard. If you have seen the pics on my Facebook, you will notice that I do not post any pics that really show how fat I am. I was tagged by my niece in a picture that was taken many years ago, and I removed the tag so no one looking at my page could see the pic. (Kelly, just in case you wondered why my tag was removed lol.) That goes along with listing my current weight. I am not sure I will have the guts to do it. Maybe after I lose some. I don't know.. maybe I will just do it all. Its not like I'm hiding it from anyone. Anyone who knows me knows how fat I am. Its not like my clothes hide 50lbs. HAHA I know my pics hide it as I do not post any pics that show how truly fat I am. I do have the pics. I always take the pics because I know that eventually I will have to have before pics. When I see a picture that I think is horrendous I always think.. that will make a good before pic!

Why I want to lose weight

I have finally surrendered to the fact that I can not lose weight on my own. Like others who have decided on weight loss surgery, I have tried every diet known to man and some not known. I have paid tons of money to doctors, weight loss plans, diet pills, diet food, low carb foods, protein shakes, you name it I have tried it.. well except for the surgery.

I know someone who has had the gastric bypass surgery and someone who has had the lap band. After the research I have done, I have decided to go with the Sleeve Gastrectomy. When it gets closer to the surgery, I will post more information about the Sleeve Gastrectomy.

I went out to eat with a friend last night for dinner. I have noticed now that I have made my decision, I have been watching the food I eat and know that I will not be eating the same very soon. It was last night that I decided to blog my journey.

I want to document all the reasons I hate being fat, so if there comes a time, especially right after the surgery when I am in pain, I can look back and remember why I did it.

Things I hate about being fat:

1. Bathtime is very important to me. I don't have any problems getting into the bath, but getting out?? Ug. I get out like a fat person. I have to turn to my side and use all my body parts to help me get up.
2. Getting up from sitting. This is basically the same whether getting up from a couch or car. They make fun of pregnant women who have to get up belly first. This is how it is for fat people too. You have to scooch yourself to the edge of the seat then basically get up belly first.
3. Putting on shoes and socks. Being fat, we compensate. I love sandals that just slip on because then I do not have to feel so fat as when I have to bend and somehow get my shoes and socks on. I leave my shoe strings tied so all I have to do is put my foot in the shoe and move it around til my foot is in it. I still have to bend .. and when I say bend... I do not mean like how skinny people bend. I can't just bend my knee and have my foot be in any area where my hands can reach. I can bend over and touch my toes, but there is no way to lift them at the same time. When my shoes become untied out in public?? Holy cow. I have to find someplace where I can place my foot so that it is forced into a position that I can reach it.
4. Bending over. This relates to the previous item, but continues on. Fat people can't bend like skinny people. A skinny person squats (daintily or manly) when they need to pick something up off the floor. Even if they bend at the waist to do it.. they bend their knees at the same time. A fat person bends at the waist with knees locked and hopes like hell they can reach whatever it is they need to reach on the floor.
5. The toilet. I am not going into detail here. Lets just say I know I do things differently than a skinny person.
6. Walking or excercising. I am not so sure things are so much different than a skinny person who is out of shape. My daughter who I would put in the "skinny" category - its like when you are older, everyone who is younger than you are kids - here if you are not obese, you are skinny. She walked up the same hill as I did and she was out of breath. Granted I was about to pass out.. but she was out of breath so I didn't feel as bad.
7. Sleeping. I sleep with several pillows. I do this for several different reason, but all related to my weight. I sleep on my side, because of the weight and sleep apnea. I feel like I can't breath when I am sleeping on my back.
8. Sex. A guy I really really do not like (not because he said this) once said to me: "You just do not fit together as well when you are fat." This is true. I would only date guys who were not overweight, because I thought .. two fat people?? Impossible!! Well I have dated overweight guys. Its not impossible, BUT uncomfortable. How can you enjoy something if you are having to move your stomach because its sticking to the other's stomach? You want to put my legs where?? Remember the toys Weebles? The slogan Weebles wobble but they don't fall down? It seems to come to mind alot at this point. I could really get into some funny things that happen because of being fat, but my kids might read this.
9. Laziness. I know that skinny people can be lazy too, but its a different kind of lazy. This lazy comes from knowing if I do it I will feel uncomfortable (for any reason, too much exertion, have to get dressed, whatever the reason). Its kind of like going sledding. I chose to be the photographer instead of participating. If I went down the hill in the sled I would have to walk back up the hill. I did go down the hill after everyone was done. I was worried I was going to cause sparks .. ya know like in Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation. I didn't cause sparks, but you could definitely see my trail.
10. I don't have a lap. My grandson can not sit on my lap. I hold him differently. I can't write using my lap. My laptop can not go on my lap. There are tons of things skinny people with a lap can do that I can not do.
11. Sitting in a booth. The waitress says.. Is this ok? I say.. Let me see if I fit. Alot of times I fit. Sometimes a little squished, but there are times I just can not fit in the booth. I have to look at the booth. Does the table move? If it moves can the person I am with fit on the other side if I move the table? Skinny people do not have to worry about these things.
12. Going to the movies. There is one movie theater in town that has smaller seats. I have to wedge my fat ass into the seat. Even in the other seats I can fit. I can even put the arm rests down on both sides, but I have to lean to the side to put the arm rests down. And hopefully the person I am sitting next too doesn't mind getting cozy because I will be in very close proximity to them.
13. Bras/clothes. Ya know the jokes comedians tell about guys and their underwear. Thats how I am with my bra/clothes. It doesn't get replaced unless I absolutely have to replace it. Chances are that even after loosing weight, I won't be able to find a proper fitting bra in town. But at least I will be able to order them online.

There are tons of other reasons I hate being fat, but this is a good start on my list.