Prior to my divorce and even after it in 2005, I just thought I was a big fat woman with 4 kids. Who would possibly want me? I used to play games online at Pogo.com and had a group of "online friends" who I played with regularly. We all exchanged pictures so we knew what each other looked like. One of the girls there introduced me to Eddy. We also did the picture exchange and I remember him saying (typing) ... Oh you are a BBW. I really like BBW. I did not know what a BBW was. He said..you are a big beautiful woman. Hmmmm... what did he mean by big? I still totally didn't get it. I knew there were people who didn't care if you were heavy or not, but actually desire someone who is fat? He explained this new concept to me and told me about websites for BBW and there was even clubs around the country where these BBWs and their admirers got together to party.
Eddy changed my life. I met him in person some time later and I never felt prettier and desirous in my life. I knew I was a powerful woman, but its a whole other story when you feel beautiful. This was my new label .. I'm a proud big beautiful woman. I loved it! I felt more confident about myself. Confidence is also sexy.
The problem I came across is BBWs also have a reputation. Some men seem to think that BBWs are a little easier to get into bed. They also think that BBWs are more likely to perform oral sex. I don't know about other BBWs, but I found this totally offensive. But if you are labeling yourself in a group that is really a fetish, why should I be offended if I was thought of as a sexual being rather than a human being?
Do women label themselves as big beautiful women because they have settled with what they are and have given up on losing weight? I remember thinking a few years ago, I do not want to be like my grandma and be 80 and still be trying all the diets that Woman's World boldly tells us will help us lose 20 lbs in 2 days! Being a big beautiful woman gave me an out. I could stay fat and be desired by men who had a fetish for fat women and be proud of it.
I have been tipping the scales lately that I am actually considered to be a SSBBW - Super Sized Big Beautiful Woman. This has its own category of admirers. A year or so ago I was actually contacted on a dating site and asked if I was a SSBBW. I had to ask what it was. He said you weigh over .... lbs. (left blank intentionally to protect the innocent eyes, I am not ready to give away my weight yet!) I responded .. No I am not, sorry (I wasn't at the time... close but no cigar.) I thought .. holy cow.. I am actually NOT fat enough for this guy. I guess I should have kept his number :) J/K!
I decided some time ago, that I am going to stop labeling myself as a BBW. I want to be liked for who I am not what I look like. Imagine that! I do not regret this time in my life that I was a BBW. Everyone wants to feel desired. It was great! I am just ready to move on to another phase of my life.
On another note. Dr. Jay said I have GREAT genes! He got the results back from all my lab work done last Saturday. I do not have high blood pressure. I do not have diabetes. I do not have a thyroid problem. I have low bad cholesterol. I have high good cholesterol. He was saying how its interesting how there are some people without my weight problems that have all sorts of problems with blood pressure and diabetes and that I am lucky to have great genes and not have the problems a lot of people associate with being morbidly obese. I told Dr. Jay how grateful I was that he didn't ask for a clean catch urine sample, and how I blogged about it. He just laughed and said he couldn't believe I actually brought that up in my blog.
Other good news. I received a ball park figure for the cosmetic surgery I was interested in. I want to get a tummy tuck which includes upper/inner thighs and a breast lift after my weight loss. It looks like it will only run me about $10k instead of the $20k I was thinking it was going to cost.
Another thing I do not like about being fat: driving a car. The seat belt always rides up and chokes me. Thats if I get in a car where the seatbelt fits me. My car has a big enough seatbelt. I have been in cars where the seat belt doesn't fit or I have to really struggle to get it to click. Whether I get the seatbelt on, I still have to have the seat back far enough to be able to steer the car without my stomach holding the steering wheel in place, but because I am so short (5 foot even) I need it close enough to reach the pedals. This can sometimes get very complicated. I can not wait until I can move the seat to where ever I can reach the pedals and not worry about my tummy rubbing against the steering wheel.
As Lou would say.. the piggies are making noises.. but is this fear or is this excitement!