Is it the moon?

I have noticed lately that I am being emotional. More so than usual. I have been irritable. Sometimes flat out bitchy and my kids would agree a little unreasonable in my anger. Is it the moon? Is it tax season? Or is it this life changing decision I am making? I am not sure, but have to laugh at these "vitamins" my oldest son George gave me today. They are called "Happy Hour" and tout to relieve "employment stress". I thought they were a joke, but he says he purchased them at GNC. Is he giving me a silent message? No matter, it was sweet of him to think of me. I love my kids, and I know that they will be very very supportive during this ordeal. Not once complaining about the money I am spending on this surgery. Not even Carlos who always complains about every penny I spend! Ok that was a slight exaggeration, but I swear that kid is going to be extremely rich someday with his penny pinching.

Today I was talking to a co-worker/friend. I told her about my exciting news of the upcoming surgery. For some reason I brought up some thoughts I was having. I told her I was going to have to blog about this.

In the past, when I am starting a new diet, I always tell myself, "This time next year I will be ..." "In two months I will be ... " "By Christmas I will be ..." and every single time I have disappointed myself. Now here I am getting this surgery, with almost guaranteed results (average weight loss is 70-80% of excess weight) and I am doing the same thing, "By my birthday I will be 50lbs lighter" "This time next year I will be 100lbs lighter" but in reality I am not believing myself. I have said these things so many times in the past and have failed that even with almost guaranteed success facing me I am still doubting myself.

I think I might be doubting myself a little more these days as I am on this test diet and doing ok, but not being perfect on it. I feel myself wondering if I am going to be disappointed when I weigh myself in the morning.

I self-analyze A LOT. I am sure this causes me a lot of stress as well. I come up with all these questions I just do not have answers for.

I chatted with a friend today who once told me "If you do not like being fat, Dwan, why don't you do something about it?" I remembering telling him I can't. I have tried and failed many many many many times. Today I was able to tell him "I am doing something about it!" He seemed to be happy for me, but as a few other guys have asked. "Will you lose your boobs?" Funny thing is I would be perfectly happy being a C cup. I am not sure I can possibly get down to a C cup, but if I were I would be ok with it. To be able to shop at Victoria Secrets and buy something that fits me would be a dream.

Interestingly, even as I write this the little thoughts of failure pop into the back of my brain and work themselves forward. How many times did I start a diet and know I was going to succeed. I have another blog under this profile titled "I will be thin!" This is just another attempt at losing weight and failing. I start all positive and give up after the first hurtle. Fortunately, there is no giving up. Once that stomach is gone its gone for good. I am having the one surgery that is not reversible.

I will end all this melancholy blathering with an embarrassing and gross fat story. I have thought of this story over the years but have not told anyone about it. I was talking to my girlfriend Kerri this morning. I was talking about how the gastric bypass has the dumping syndrome, which I believe is where you have uncontrollable poop if you eat too much sugar. It reminds me of my experience with Xenical. I told Kerri I never told this story because it was too embarrassing and just plain out gross. She told me I had to tell the story. So here it is:

Back on one of my diets, I was seeing what I call a "fat doctor". She was a bariatric doctor and helped people to lose weight with monitoring and lots of pills. One of those pills was Xenical. Xenical is a fat blocker. When you eat fat, it takes the fat and forces it out when you poop. It turns it very oily. You can see the oil just floating on the water of the toilet bowl. If you eat alot of fat, you need to be very careful. Its like diarrhea. You definitely do NOT want to fart. This is just background information and not the story. It gets way worse. UG.. maybe I am just stalling!!

I was in San Diego on business. We always go out for good food while in San Diego. I knew it was pretty fatty so I popped a Xenical that night. The next morning, I was taking my long leisurely bath, reading my book when I got a phone call. I sat up to reach for the phone, and found that the pressure of sitting up must have let loose because next thing I know I am sitting in a bathtub full of water with all this oily substance floating in it. Holy cow! I jumped up as I was totally disgusted, but got even more disgusted when it was all over my body and then dripping all over the bathroom floor. It was horrible!! I don't even remember who I was talking to, but I got off the phone quickly. Fortunately, there were tons of extra towels in the bathroom. I, of course didn't want the maid to see all of this so wiped it all up, cleaned out the bathtub, and was fortunate enough to have a towel left over to dry myself after my shower. I have never told anyone this story, so why not tell the whole world?? Needless to say I did not take the Xenical ever again.